AUGUST 10, 1935

Full News Archive

• Headline: Manchukuo Battles Rising Bandit Activity. Impact: As crop failures led to banditry, a series of unfortunate events unraveled, eventually resulting in a world where everyone had to learn how to fight off bandits with nothing but a loaf of bread and a can-do attitude. The phrase 'desperate times call for desperate measures' became the motto for book clubs across the globe.. Fact: Did you know that banditry is just a fancy term for 'extreme couponing gone wrong'?.
• Headline: M0RAL H0ME0PATHY Controversy in 1935. Impact: The jailing of Ed on H Rosse sparked a revolution in homeopathy that would lead to the invention of a 'homeopathic prison' for criminals where they could get therapy through crystals and essential oils instead of bars and guards. Naturally, it was a complete disaster.. Fact: Homeopathy: the art of diluting your problems until they disappear... or at least until they become completely unrecognizable!.
• Headline: Sailing Triumph at Cowes Regatta 1935. Impact: The regatta's outcome led to a series of yacht clubs forming secret alliances, which ultimately resulted in a global yacht war where boats were armoured with foam and glitter, all in the name of aesthetics. Sailors became the new knights of the sea.. Fact: Sailing: where you can spend thousands of dollars to let the wind dictate your fate. Good luck with that!.
• Headline: NOAH' CLOSES IN CHICAGO; Cast Gives Performance, Passes Hat for Fare to New York.. Impact: The closure of 'Noah' in Chicago ultimately led to a chain reaction of theater closures that resulted in an unexpected surge of talent migrating to New York. It was there that they discovered the magic of auditioning for pizza.. Fact: In theater, sometimes the 'show must go on' translates to 'even if everyone’s broke, we’ll still perform for pizza.'.
• Headline: Author Protests Play Ban.. Impact: The protest against the play ban inspired a wave of dramatic readings in coffee shops, leading to the invention of 'spoken word' poetry and a million awkward open mic nights.. Fact: Protesting a ban on anti-war meetings in a theater is basically just asking for a dramatic reenactment. Bring popcorn!.
• Headline: WOULD HONOR J.E. HOOVER; Allen Bill In House Will Ask a 15-Year Appointment.. Impact: The bill to honor J.E. Hoover paved the way for an entire generation of politicians who believed that naming things after themselves would grant them immortality. Spoiler alert: it didn’t work.. Fact: Hoover was once so popular that they considered a 'Hooverville' theme park, but it ultimately flopped due to lack of funding. Go figure..
• Headline: WILKINS TO TEST DEVICES.; Explorer to Visit Antarctic in Preparation for Polar Dash.. Impact: Wilkins' Antarctic expedition led to an unexpected discovery of a lost civilization of penguins who had mastered the art of ice sculpting, which later inspired the annual 'Penguin Olympics'.. Fact: Explorers in Antarctica are basically just extreme tourists looking for the perfect Instagram shot with a polar bear... that doesn’t exist there..
• Headline: C.M.T.C. Gets Stand of Colors. Impact: The C.M.T.C. receiving a stand of colors inadvertently led to a fashion trend where all military units started wearing colors so bright that they were mistaken for a parade every day. It’s hard to march when you look like a walking rainbow.. Fact: Stand of colors: because nothing says 'serious military operation' like a splash of color and a disco ball..