JULY 30, 1935

Full News Archive

• Headline: Dr. Graves' Inspiring Commencement Speech. Impact: Dr. Graves' speech inspired a future generation of students who went on to invent time travel by 2045. Unfortunately, they just used it to relive the same boring lectures.. Fact: Did you know that Dr. Graves was known for his riveting talks on the history of staplers? No? That's because no one ever attended..
• Headline: Revising U.S. Neutrality Laws in 1935. Impact: The revision of neutrality laws indirectly led to a series of coffee shop debates that sparked an underground movement for 'peaceful protesting with lattes' in 2023.. Fact: Fun fact: Neutrality laws were created to ensure that the U.S. could sit back and enjoy popcorn while others fought it out. Talk about a front-row seat!.
• Headline: Lawyers Seek Work Relief in 1935. Impact: This initiative led to an uptick in lawyer-themed reality shows, proving once and for all that watching people argue can be entertaining if you add enough drama.. Fact: Ever wonder why lawyers are so good at arguing? It's because they practice daily in front of their bathroom mirrors. True story!.
• Headline: Urges Bonneville Dam Action.. Impact: The push for the Bonneville Dam led to an unexpected surge in DIY home improvement projects across America, resulting in a national shortage of duct tape.. Fact: The Bonneville Dam was actually a secret experiment to see if controlling water flow could lead to world domination. Spoiler alert: It didn't..
• Headline: VETERANS' BILL PASSED.; Senate Measure Extends Period for Filing for Benefits.. Impact: The passing of this bill created a ripple effect that ultimately led to the establishment of 'Veteran Appreciation Day,' where everyone is encouraged to thank a veteran – or just buy them a beer.. Fact: The Veteran's Benefits Act was so complex that it inspired a new genre of board games called 'Get Your Benefits.' Players just roll dice and hope for the best!.
• Headline: Doris Ansbacher Engaged.. Impact: This engagement sparked a trend of elaborate proposals that led to a surge in reality TV shows about engagement planning – because who doesn't want to watch a 20-minute episode about a ring?. Fact: Did you know that engagement rings were originally designed to be less sparkly than wedding bands? Apparently, the idea was to keep the surprise alive... for at least a week..
• Headline: Clevelander Sets Fish Record.. Impact: G. Danciu's fishing record inspired a new trend in competitive fishing, leading to the creation of a reality show 'Bass Brawlers' in 2025 – because why not mix drama with angling?. Fact: The average person spends 14 minutes trying to catch a fish before giving up. G. Danciu, on the other hand, must have had a secret fish whisperer on speed dial..
• Headline: Four Voters' Names Dropped.. Impact: The dropping of these names set off a chain reaction that led to the creation of 'Voter's Anonymous' – a support group for those who just can't handle the pressure of voting.. Fact: Voter registration is so complicated that it often feels like trying to solve a Rubik's Cube while blindfolded. Good luck with that!.
• Headline: 17 CHICAGO PACKERS FILE AAA TAX SUITS; Swift and Armour Concerns Head List Attacking Constitutionality.. Impact: This legal battle spawned a new era of food-related lawsuits, leading to the establishment of 'The Great Chicago Sausage Wars' in 2030, where companies went to court over who had the best hot dog.. Fact: The first ever tax lawsuit was filed in 1790, and it was about whether or not a hot dog counts as a meal. Spoiler: it doesn't..