JUNE 17, 1935

Full News Archive

• Headline: Old Diplomat's Insights on Foreign Policy. Impact: This old diplomat's plea not only failed to change Brit foreign policy, but it also led to a secret society of disgruntled diplomats forming a support group over tea and crumpets, eventually leading to the invention of the diplomatic immunity coffee mug.. Fact: Old diplomats have been known to have more tea than actual influence in foreign policy discussions..
• Headline: Miss Lineaweaver's Engagement Announcement. Impact: Miss Lineaweaver's engagement set off a chain reaction of 'who's next?' at every family gathering, ultimately resulting in an awkward number of single relatives showing up to holiday dinners for years to come.. Fact: Engagements often lead to a sudden influx of unsolicited advice on wedding planning, which is basically a form of torture..
• Headline: SMITH TO CONFER 471 DEGREES TODAY; Master of Arts Will Go to 29 Students, While 8 Will Receive Architecture Awards.. Impact: The conferring of degrees led to a mysterious increase in barista employment, as graduates desperately sought caffeine to cope with their newfound adult responsibilities and crippling student debt.. Fact: Master's degrees are basically just expensive pieces of paper that can double as wall art if you hang them right..
• Headline: 2 Try to Land Same Fish; One Lands in Hospital. Impact: The fishing incident sparked an underground movement of safety gear for fishermen, ultimately leading to the invention of the inflatable fishing helmet, which is still a hot topic of ridicule on fishing forums.. Fact: The phrase 'you should've seen the one that got away' now has a new meaning thanks to this particularly violent fishing escapade..
• Headline: TRANS-HUDSON TRAFFIC.. Impact: The discussion on regional traffic plans led to the establishment of a secret society of road planners who communicate solely through cryptic road signs, and yes, they still can’t agree on a detour.. Fact: Regional traffic plans are just polite ways of saying, 'We have no idea how to fix this mess.'.
• Headline: MORE HOSPITAL AID URGED; Beekman Street Report Asks City to Increase Allotments.. Impact: The push for more hospital aid inadvertently caused a national obsession with hospital-themed TV shows, resulting in an avalanche of medical drama that has yet to be contained.. Fact: More hospital funding means more hospital dramas, and those actors likely have a better understanding of medicine than most of us..
• Headline: WHO SAID IT FIRST?. Impact: The debate over who coined the phrase 'grass roots' led to a series of increasingly ridiculous claims, eventually culminating in a bizarre competition to see who could plant the most grass in their backyard.. Fact: The phrase 'grass roots' actually refers to the very serious business of growing plants, not just the efforts of politicians trying to sound relatable..