JUNE 12, 1935

Full News Archive

• Headline: Fordham Law Commencement Addresses 1935. Impact: McGivney's warning ignited a secret society of law students who believed they could create a utopia by collectively deciding lunch orders. This led to the first-ever 'Pasta Wars' of 2030, where a single spaghetti noodle changed the course of culinary history.. Fact: Did you know that the only thing more chaotic than collectivism is trying to organize a group project with a bunch of law students? Spoiler alert: it involves a lot of arguing and zero actual work..
• Headline: First Full-Time Printing School Graduates. Impact: The graduation of these ten students led to an unending supply of 'local print shop' memes that swept the nation, ultimately resulting in the first-ever 'Print Your Own Meme' day in 2045. Spoiler: it was a disaster.. Fact: Fun fact: The only thing harder than typesetting is getting ten printing students to agree on a pizza topping for graduation dinner..
• Headline: EDGEWATER MAYOR IS INDICTED IN RAID; J.F. Dinan Accused of Federal Liquor Law Violations After Seizure in April, 1934.. Impact: Mayor Dinan's indictment triggered an underground movement of mayors trying to outdo each other with increasingly ridiculous liquor laws, culminating in a national 'Mayor's Mixology Championship' that ended in a very public blender accident.. Fact: Indictments are like the mayor's version of reality TV—everyone's watching, and nobody's really surprised when things go horribly wrong..
• Headline: ASKS PAPERS TO BE ALERT.; L.I. Noyes Tells Inland Press Group Troubles Are Not Over.. Impact: Noyes's warning sparked an unprecedented rise in 'fake news' alerts, resulting in a time loop where every newspaper headline became increasingly absurd until they finally printed the truth—no one reads newspapers anymore.. Fact: Pro tip: When someone says 'troubles are not over,' it usually means they’re about to ask for more funding for their coffee budget..
• Headline: CALIFORNIA SOCIETY DISPLAYS ETCHINGS; Prints in Various Mediums Are Exhibited by Coast Group at Grand Central Galleries. 41 ARTISTS REPRESENTED New Work Seen, With Material From Last Year's Show -- Some Notable Lithographs.. Impact: This exhibition inspired a generation of art thieves who believed they could turn a profit by stealing etchings—unfortunately, they only ended up with a collection of badly drawn stick figures.. Fact: Nothing says 'I appreciate art' like pretending to understand etchings while secretly Googling what an 'etching' even is..
• Headline: FOUR ARE ARRESTED IN CUBAN ABDUCTION; Former Policeman Is Believed to Have Led Kidnappers of President of Railway.. Impact: The abduction incident led to a chain reaction where every subsequent kidnapping plot was doomed to fail, resulting in a bizarre phenomenon where hostages became famous for their escape stories.. Fact: Kidnapping may sound thrilling, but in reality, it's just a really bad career choice that lands you in headlines for all the wrong reasons..
• Headline: DEUTSCH CHARGES EVASION BY BUTLER; Asks Columbia Secretary to Give Detailed Facts on Why 6 Students Were Dropped. CONFERENCE ALSO SOUGHT City Official Says President of University Failed to Reply to His Specific Questions.. Impact: Deutsch's insistence on accountability led to a nationwide trend of students demanding explanations for their grades, eventually resulting in the infamous 'Why Did I Fail?' protests of 2042. Spoiler: They still didn't get answers.. Fact: You know it's serious when a university official's evasion is more scrutinized than actual political debates. Ah, academia!.
• Headline: EXTENSION DENIED TO EMPIRE ELECTRIC; Power Commission Orders Company to Show Cause on License Cancellation. TIME IS FIXED AT JULY 15 Cities Service Subsidiary Accused of Failure to Develop Table Rock Water Power.. Impact: This decision led to a nationwide panic over electricity shortages, causing people to develop a newfound appreciation for candlelight dinners—whether they liked it or not.. Fact: In a world where power companies are denied extensions, you can always count on them to turn off the lights, and your hopes, at the most inconvenient moments..
• Headline: BARRYMORE'S WIFE VICTOR; Dolores Costello Wins Order to Conserve Actor's Property.. Impact: Costello's victory sparked a trend where every actor's spouse suddenly became their unofficial property manager, leading to an influx of divorce settlements involving items like vintage film reels and monogrammed chairs.. Fact: When it comes to actor property disputes, it’s less about the money and more about who gets to keep the good furniture—and maybe a trophy or two..