JUNE 4, 1935

Full News Archive

• Headline: Calls for Confederate Pensions in 1935. Impact: This seemingly innocuous push for Confederate pensions led to a bizarre 20th-century scenario where a secret society of disgruntled Civil War reenactors formed, demanding reparations for the historical inaccuracies in video games. Who knew pensions could spark such a ridiculous butterfly effect?. Fact: Did you know that the Grand Army of the Republic was actually called the G.A.R. because 'Grand Army of the Republic' was just too long for their stationery?.
• Headline: Jersey Sales Tax Proposal Approved. Impact: This thrilling moment in tax history inspired generations of accountants to don capes and masks, believing they were heroes fighting against the tyranny of tax evasion. They are now known as the 'Tax Avengers'.. Fact: Fun fact: The excitement surrounding a 2% tax levy is only rivaled by watching paint dry, though sometimes the paint is more colorful..
• Headline: Cuban Court-Martial Acquits Women and Consul. Impact: The acquittal of these women set off a chain reaction that led to the first-ever international women's rights conference being held in a treehouse, where they decided that kidnapping was definitely not a good career choice.. Fact: Kidnapping has a rich history, but thankfully, it’s mostly just a plot device in bad movies and soap operas..
• Headline: Reward for First Bill.. Impact: The promise of a reward for the first bill sparked a nationwide competition that turned into a reality show called 'Who Wants to Be a Legislative Millionaire?' Spoiler alert: nobody won.. Fact: The first bill often gets a reward, but no one ever talks about the second bill, which is just as important. It's still waiting for its moment in the spotlight..
• Headline: Wenzel Suit Put Off.. Impact: By delaying the lawsuit, Wenzel inadvertently created a time loop where the legal system became stuck in perpetual litigation, leading to the invention of the world's first 'eternal court' — now a popular vacation destination.. Fact: In law, a 'suit' doesn't mean what it sounds like. Shocking, I know. It’s actually more about legal arguments than fashion statements..
• Headline: TO HEAD PRODUCE GROUP. Impact: The election of a new president for the N.Y. Produce Exchange led to a fruit-fueled coup in the produce aisle of supermarkets nationwide, where bananas overthrew apples as the reigning fruit of choice. Chaos ensued.. Fact: The only thing more dramatic than a presidential election in the produce world is the annual Tomato Throwing Festival. Spoiler: Tomatoes always win..
• Headline: PRAGUE WINS RELEASE OF MAN HELD BY NAZIS; Lampersberger Returns to Czech Territory After Kidnapping by German Police.. Impact: The release of Lampersberger turned him into a local hero, inspiring a generation of Czech resistance fighters who would go on to thwart a series of 'bad hair days' across the nation. Sometimes, liberation comes in many forms.. Fact: The Nazis thought they could hold anyone, but they underestimated the power of a well-timed pastry break in Prague. Pastries: 1, Nazis: 0..
• Headline: Miss Elsa Keller Weds.. Impact: Elsa Keller's wedding set off a wave of matrimonial joy that led to a spike in wedding cake consumption, ultimately causing a national shortage of flour. Flour mills have never recovered.. Fact: Marriage is a lot like a deck of cards — in the beginning, all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end, you’re looking for a club and a spade..
• Headline: C. VANDERBILT JR. SUED.; Receiver for Income From Book Named at Creditor's Request.. Impact: This lawsuit marked the beginning of a long-standing tradition of wealthy heirs getting sued over their questionable life choices, which later inspired the hit reality show 'Rich Kids, Legal Problems'.. Fact: C. Vanderbilt Jr. might have been better off writing a self-help book titled 'How to Avoid Lawsuits: A Guide from Your Trust Fund'..
• Headline: 181st Annual Commencement Exercises Will Be Held at Columbia Today; COLUMBIA TO GIVE DEGREES TO 4,463. Impact: The 181st commencement led to a mass exodus of graduates who would later create an underground society dedicated to making 'real-world' survival guides — a project that is still in its brainstorming phase.. Fact: Columbia's 181st Commencement is a great reminder that the only thing more inflated than graduation numbers are the egos of the graduates..