JUNE 3, 1935

Full News Archive

• Headline: Celebrating 40 Years of Roselle. Impact: The 40th anniversary celebration in Roselle sparked a nationwide trend of communities throwing extravagant parties for arbitrary anniversaries. Fast forward a few decades, and now people celebrate their cat’s 10th birthday with more fanfare than the moon landing.. Fact: Did you know that Roselle was once a sleepy little town? Now it’s basically a party central—who knew 40 years could make such a difference?.
• Headline: Nazis Arrested Near French Border. Impact: The arrest of three Nazis on bicycles near the border caused a ripple effect where every cyclist in Europe was subsequently interrogated about their political affiliations. This led to an awkward phase in cycling history, where bike lanes became the new hotbed for political debates.. Fact: Fun fact: It's hard to pedal away from trouble when you're wearing a swastika armband. Who knew Nazis were so bad at cycling?.
• Headline: Georgian Court College Baccalaureate Service. Impact: The 35 graduates from Georgian Court College went on to become the world’s most mediocre professionals, proving that sometimes, even a degree can’t save you from an existential crisis. Their collective unremarkableness inspired a wave of 'meh' in educational pursuits.. Fact: Baccalaureate? Sounds fancy but it’s just a graduation ceremony where you hear the same speech about life choices and regret—fun times!.
• Headline: Heads 1936 Class at Vermont.. Impact: The class elections in Vermont sparked a nationwide obsession with student governance that ultimately led to the creation of the 'Student Council Olympics'—a series of competitions where students argue over who gets to decide the lunch menu while wearing ridiculous costumes.. Fact: Heads of classes often lead to heads of households, and in Vermont, they’re just as likely to end up as maple syrup tycoons!.
• Headline: CRIME IN CITY ROSE BY 15% LAST YEAR; But Valentine Reports Decline in Murder and Manslaughter Cases From 1933 Levels.. Impact: The rise in crime rates in the city prompted an overreaction that led to the establishment of the 'Neighborhood Watch' program, which quickly devolved into a gossip circle where everyone knew your business but no one actually did anything.. Fact: 15% rise in crime? Sounds like a typical year in Gotham City, where Batman is too busy dealing with paperwork to help!.
• Headline: SWARTHMORE MEN URGED TO 'NEW DREAM'; Human Relations Stressed by Lindeman -- Dr. Erskine Gives Phi Beta Kappa Address.. Impact: Dr. Erskine’s address on human relations at Swarthmore inspired generations of students to overanalyze their interactions, resulting in a society where everyone is perpetually awkward at parties and unable to have a normal conversation without a PowerPoint presentation.. Fact: Human relations? More like human complications. Thanks, Dr. Erskine, for making small talk feel like a TED Talk..