MAY 30, 1935

Full News Archive

• Headline: Mitchell Bingham's Wedding Ceremony. Impact: This wedding could have led to a series of matchmaking events among local clergy, eventually resulting in a reality show called 'Holy Matrimony' where priests compete to find love while keeping their vows.. Fact: Ah yes, nothing says romance like a ceremony performed by a newly ordained brother – because who needs experience when you have a collar?.
• Headline: Zitherist Celebrates NRA's Conclusion. Impact: Plunkett's carefree zither celebration likely inspired a wave of performing artists to abandon their day jobs, leading to a renaissance of circus arts and a new era of unqualified street performances.. Fact: Who knew that juggling and zither-playing would be the perfect remedy for the stress of economic codes? I guess everyone else was just too busy worrying about bills..
• Headline: LABOR BILL VALID, WAGNER INSISTS; Senator Says Decision on NRA Leaves the Way Open for His Proposal.. Impact: Senator Wagner’s insistence on the labor bill could have accidentally paved the way for future politicians to think they can just throw proposals around like confetti, leading to an avalanche of 'great ideas' that nobody asked for.. Fact: Oh good, another labor bill. Because what we really needed was more people in suits arguing about how to make work slightly less miserable..
• Headline: ROOSEVELT AWAITS EFFECT IN INDUSTRY; ' Spot News' on NRA Result Lies in Communities, He Says, Not in Capital.. Impact: Roosevelt's wait-and-see approach might have caused a ripple effect, leading future leaders to adopt a 'let's see what happens' mentality, culminating in a reality where politicians just binge-watch the news instead of governing.. Fact: Ah, waiting for the impact of policy decisions – the original form of procrastination before it became an Olympic sport..
• Headline: BingBamberger.. Impact: The marriage of Bing and Bamberger could have sparked a trend of hyphenated last names, leading to a generation of confused children trying to explain their family tree.. Fact: BingBamberger – sounds like a new trendy restaurant where you can get fusion cuisine that nobody asked for..
• Headline: SUGGESTING A WAY OUT.; Judge Gerard Would Have Industries Combine Against Abuses.. Impact: Judge Gerard's proposal might have inadvertently inspired future judges to think they could solve all problems with group projects, leading to a world where industries hold 'team-building retreats' instead of addressing real issues.. Fact: Because nothing screams 'let’s solve corporate abuse' like a good old-fashioned trust fall exercise..
• Headline: FRISCO'S 1932 CRISIS IS TOLD AT INQUIRY; R.T. Swaine Relates Difficulty in Trying to Get Agreement to Bar Receivership.. Impact: Swaine's inquiry could have led to a series of economic crises being narrated like dramatic soap operas, complete with cliffhangers and over-the-top characters, thus rebranding economics as the next big entertainment genre.. Fact: Crisis? In Frisco? Sounds like the plot of a bad reality show. Tune in next week for more drama!.
• Headline: Chauncey -- Shedd.. Impact: The union of Chauncey and Shedd may have set off a chain reaction of delightfully odd name combinations, leading to a future where no one can pronounce anyone's name correctly.. Fact: Chauncey and Shedd: together, they’re like a fine wine and a cheese that’s just a little too funky..
• Headline: Millet -- Fairfield.. Impact: The marriage of Millet and Fairfield could have caused a surge in agricultural-themed weddings, resulting in a decade of rustic-themed parties where hay bales were the hottest seating option.. Fact: Millet and Fairfield? Sounds like a hipster café where you can order artisanal toast and discuss the merits of gluten-free grains..