MAY 27, 1935

Full News Archive

• Headline: Mrs. W's Surgery and Family Health Struggles. Impact: If Mrs. W. had skipped that operation, we might not have had a future where doctors invented the 'health vacation'—a delightful excuse for a getaway that sounds better than 'I just need a break from my life.'. Fact: Fun fact: The term 'operation' might sound intense, but it just means someone is getting poked and prodded in the name of health. Kind of like a spa day, but without the cucumber slices..
• Headline: Newark Subway System Debuts In 1935. Impact: The opening of the subway in Newark was a pivotal moment. It led to a future where people could complain about traffic while sitting underground. Truly a miracle of modern engineering.. Fact: Did you know that riding the subway is the only time you can simultaneously feel claustrophobic and part of a community? Welcome to public transit!.
• Headline: Dr. Bartlett Announces Retirement from Hobart. Impact: Dr. Bartlett's retirement may have sparked a trend among overworked college administrators, leading to the modern phenomenon of 'self-care'—where everyone pretends a weekend at the spa is a noble act of leadership.. Fact: Retiring to 'conserve health' is just a fancy way of saying, 'I'm tired of dealing with college kids and their laundry lists of problems.'.
• Headline: Stillman -- Hlpern.. Impact: This engagement sent shockwaves through the social circles, ultimately resulting in an explosion of wedding-themed Pinterest boards a century later. Yes, folks, this is how you get the 'wedding industrial complex.'. Fact: Engagement announcements are basically the original version of social media bragging—look at us, we're getting married! The likes and comments just took a bit longer to arrive..
• Headline: DANISH CROWN PRINCE RETURNS WITH BRIDE; 100,000 Cheer Royal Couple -- Joyous People Dance and Sing in Capital's Streets.. Impact: The return of the Crown Prince likely inspired countless royal-themed parties worldwide, leading to a future where everyone thinks they're royalty for a day—complete with tiaras and questionable karaoke.. Fact: Cheering for royals is the original form of celebrity worship. Just remember, the next time you're in a crowd, you're part of history's loudest royal fan club!.
• Headline: ARTISTS' SALE A RECORD.; Outdoor Show Attracts Crowd Which Spends $741.. Impact: The record-setting art sale led directly to the rise of hipster coffee shops where people can buy overpriced art while pretending to be intellectual. Thanks a lot, artists!. Fact: Spending $741 at an outdoor art show is the 1920s equivalent of buying an NFT. Who knew the art world was so ahead of its time?.
• Headline: CHOIR SINGER GRADUATED.; Junior Chorister Is Advanced at St. Mary's Church.. Impact: This graduation could have sparked a new era of church choirs, leading to the eventual rise of reality TV singing competitions—where everyone thinks they’re the next big star.. Fact: Graduating from junior to senior choir is like leveling up in a video game, except the only prize is more hymns and less fun..
• Headline: STEINMETZ TRIAL ENDING.; Attorneys for Both Sides Will Sum Up Today.. Impact: The conclusion of the Steinmetz trial likely influenced future legal dramas, leading to a world obsessed with courtroom shows and the phrase 'You can’t handle the truth!'. Fact: Trials often end with lawyers' summations that could rival Shakespeare in drama, but sadly, without the happy endings. Welcome to the legal system!.