MAY 25, 1935

Full News Archive

• Headline: Senate Passes Major Navy Funding Bill. Impact: This bill not only funded new ships but also set off a chain reaction that led to an inefficient naval arms race. By 2023, the U.S. Navy became known for its luxurious ships that had more amenities than a five-star hotel—complete with onboard karaoke for sailors to sing their way through existential crises.. Fact: Did you know that with a budget like that, they could've just built a massive yacht for each senator and called it a day? But no, let's build ships instead!.
• Headline: Juilliard Liaison for Metropolitan Opera. Impact: The formation of this advisory group inadvertently led to the creation of a secret society of opera snobs who would later infiltrate every dinner party. Their mission? To ensure that everyone knows that opera is the only true form of art, while simultaneously scaring away any potential friends.. Fact: Fun fact: opera was once a popular form of entertainment before reality TV took over. Now, instead of arias, we get to listen to people arguing over a rose..
• Headline: MISCONDUCT LAID TO RAND OFFICIALS; Stockholder Asks Court Name Receiver for Makers of Office Equipment.. Impact: This scandal kickstarted a long-standing tradition of office equipment companies being run by shady characters, eventually leading to the rise of office supplies as the preferred currency in underground trading circles. Who knew staplers could be so valuable?. Fact: Did you know that office equipment misconduct is basically the corporate equivalent of your neighbor borrowing your lawnmower and returning it in pieces? Trust is a fragile thing..
• Headline: BUS LINE WILL RUN EIGHTH AV. TROLLEYS; Estimate Board Grants Right to Corporation Pending the Awarding of Franchise.. Impact: This decision led to the great trolley boom of the 20s, resulting in a sudden surge of people realizing they should probably learn to use public transport, thus leading to the eventual development of 'Trolley Rage'—a precursor to modern road rage.. Fact: Fun fact: The only thing more dangerous than a trolley operator is a trolley operator with a caffeine addiction. Just imagine the chaos!.
• Headline: State Moves to Stop Auto Plate Cutting. Impact: This move to curb auto plate cutting inadvertently led to a black market for stylishly modified license plates, giving rise to the first wave of underground artisans who specialized in 'creative' license designs. Next thing you know, they were making a killing selling plates that read 'VROOM VROOM' to unsuspecting motorists.. Fact: Did you know that license plates are actually considered a canvas for artistic expression? Just ask anyone who's ever been pulled over for having one that says '1 COOL CAT.'.
• Headline: MAYOR OUSTS AIDE WHO TOOK CITY SOIL; Iorio, Head of Water Bureau in Queens, Had 2 to 4 Loads Sent to Scout Camp.. Impact: This scandal set a precedent for future officials to think twice before pilfering city property. However, it also led to the rise of 'soil smuggling' among scout leaders who believed every scout should have a piece of city soil to achieve 'dirt status.'. Fact: Did you know that taking soil without permission is just one step away from being a full-blown soil heist? Next, they’ll be stealing the city park benches!.
• Headline: Dr. Goldfarb Is Honored.. Impact: Dr. Goldfarb's 25 years of service inspired countless medical professionals, leading directly to an influx of doctors with impressive titles that no one understands. Future generations would find themselves drowning in acronyms at the doctor's office, wondering what on earth a 'D.O.' actually means.. Fact: Did you know that '25 years of service' is like the medical equivalent of a lifetime achievement award, but without the fancy trophy? Just a lot of paperwork and a slightly less gray hair..
• Headline: Pope Condemns Sterilization by Germany;. Impact: Pope Pius XI's condemnation of sterilization was a pivotal moment that echoed through history, influencing debates on ethics and human rights that continue to resonate today. It set the stage for future discussions on bodily autonomy, making the Vatican a reluctant player in a game of moral chess.. Fact: Did you know that the Pope's stance on sterilization actually sparked a movement? Because when the Vatican speaks, people suddenly become very interested in their reproductive rights… or at least, they pretend to be..