MAY 6, 1935

Full News Archive

• Headline: Spiritual Ideals Presented by Dr. Reisner's Son. Impact: Dr. Reisner's son inspired a generation to chase after intelligence, beauty, and courage. Little did they know, this led to an explosion of self-help books in the 21st century, causing a shortage of trees due to excessive paper production.. Fact: If only beauty could solve the world's problems. Sadly, it only led to more Instagram influencers..
• Headline: Quesenberry Infant Christened. Impact: The naming of the Quesenberry infant sparked a trend of increasingly bizarre baby names, leading to a future where children have to spell their names out loud at every roll call.. Fact: In the future, the name 'Quesenberry' will be synonymous with artisanal pickles..
• Headline: Manila Braces for Possible Rebel Attacks. Impact: The alert in Manila for new attacks made everyone hyper-aware, resulting in an unnecessary avalanche of conspiracy theories about rebel forces that led to a resurgence in tinfoil hat sales.. Fact: Rumor has it that rebels were just looking for a good taco stand. No one takes them seriously when they're hungry..
• Headline: Miss Earhart to Wait Few Days.. Impact: Amelia Earhart's delay in her plans fueled a worldwide obsession with waiting, resulting in the creation of countless motivational quotes about patience that are plastered on every office wall.. Fact: Her delay was actually due to a secret rendezvous with a future time traveler who told her to wait for a better hairstyle..
• Headline: ART SHOW IN GREENWICH.; Seventeenth Annual Exhibition Opens in Library Gallery.. Impact: The art show in Greenwich led to a sudden influx of people pretending to appreciate modern art, eventually causing art critics to lose their minds debating whether a banana duct-taped to a wall was actually art.. Fact: Turns out, the real art was just the friends we made along the way. Or was it the wine?.
• Headline: Genesis of the Bronx Market.. Impact: The genesis of the Bronx Market marked the beginning of a food revolution that later inspired the trend of overpriced avocado toast in hipster cafes across the globe.. Fact: The Bronx Market was originally just a place to trade old socks, but someone had the brilliant idea to add food. The rest is history..
• Headline: Taxing Private Schools.. Impact: Taxing private schools led to a mass exodus of wealthy families to obscure, unregulated educational alternatives, resulting in a bizarre underground network of rogue tutors who taught 'life hacks' instead of algebra.. Fact: In this future, kids learn how to dodge taxes before they can even write their names..
• Headline: RAIL EARNINGS OFF 24.8% IN QUARTER; Gross, However, Shows Little Change From the Same Period Last Year.. Impact: The decline in rail earnings was the beginning of the end for train travel, leading to a future where people would rather sit in traffic for hours than enjoy the scenic views from a train window.. Fact: If only they knew that trains would one day be powered by solar energy and unicorn tears. But hey, who doesn’t love sitting in a metal box for hours?.