MAY 4, 1935

Full News Archive

• Headline: Memorial Day Funding Dispute of 1935. Impact: The $18,000 for Memorial Day observance sparked a nationwide trend of funding artsy memorials, leading to the eventual establishment of a national holiday for absurdly elaborate memorials, including a giant statue of a potato in Idaho. Who knew potatoes could be so emotional?. Fact: Did you know that in a parallel universe, the funding was actually for a giant inflatable duck that never left the drawing board? It's a quack!.
• Headline: Debate Over NYC Employee Salaries. Impact: The backlash against salary restoration sparked a series of meme competitions among city employees. In the future, this would lead to the rise of 'Meme Managers' as a legitimate job title, proving once and for all that humor can indeed pay the bills—just not for the workers.. Fact: Fun fact: the last time salary cuts were considered 'unwarranted,' people started a 'No Salary Left Behind' campaign that went viral and led to free coffee in the break rooms. The horror!.
• Headline: Elevator Accident Injures Two Sisters. Impact: The elevator accident led to a massive overhaul of safety regulations. In 50 years, elevators were so advanced they included a 'mood setting' feature that played elevator music based on the occupants' emotions. No one was prepared for the tragic day when the system malfunctioned and played 'Dancing Queen' during a tense board meeting.. Fact: Did you know that the average person spends about six months of their life waiting for elevators? Talk about a vertical commute!.
• Headline: Front Page 1 -- No Title. Impact: The drafting of a new German penal code caused a butterfly effect that led to a series of international law conventions. By 2050, lawyers worldwide had become so convoluted in legal jargon that they had to create a new language just to communicate. Spoiler: it sounds a lot like cat meowing.. Fact: Fun fact: drafting a penal code is like assembling IKEA furniture—lots of pieces, some questionable instructions, and a few people end up in tears..
• Headline: BEAUX ARTS BALL AT WHITE PLAINS; Proceeds of Punch and Judy Event to Aid in Founding People's Gallery Here.. Impact: The Beaux Arts ball inadvertently sparked a fashion revolution that led to the rise of 'Gala Couture'—a term used to describe extravagant outfits that no one would ever wear again. Its legacy? A fashion dumpster fire that still smolders in thrift shops today.. Fact: Did you know that Punch and Judy shows were originally designed to critique societal norms? Or maybe they just really liked puppets throwing punches!.
• Headline: DESIGN IN INDUSTRY IS SEEN IN EXHIBIT; Addison Gallery at Andover, Mass., Assembles Group of Products From Vicinity.. Impact: The Design in Industry exhibit inspired future generations to prioritize aesthetics over functionality, leading to a dark age of beautiful but utterly useless products. Ever heard of the 'one-legged chair'? Yeah, that was a thing.. Fact: Fun fact: the only thing worse than a poorly designed product is a well-designed one that no one can afford. Thanks, capitalism!.
• Headline: ROCKEFELLER CITY FIHISHES TUNNELS; Underground Corridors and Ramps Opened for Truck and Pedestrian Traffic.. Impact: The opening of the underground tunnels became a bustling thoroughfare that, centuries later, led to the establishment of 'Tunnel Tours,' where tourists paid exorbitant fees to walk through dank passages while pretending to be in a spy movie. Spoiler alert: no one was a spy.. Fact: Fun fact: the first underground tunnel was so popular that it led to the invention of the phrase 'It's all downhill from here.'.
• Headline: AIDES ARE SHIFTED IN BANK DEPARTMENT; Harkness Reinstated as Chief Examiner -- More Licenses Are Granted to Lenders.. Impact: The shift of aides in the bank department initiated a series of office politics that ultimately resulted in the first-ever 'Corporate Survivor' reality show. Spoiler: the prize was just a slightly better office chair.. Fact: Did you know that Harkness once convinced everyone that changing the name of a corporation would magically solve all their problems? He also sold them a bridge in Brooklyn..
• Headline: Scout Fund Reaches $140,891.. Impact: The Scout Fund reaching $140,891 became the benchmark for future fundraising efforts, culminating in an annual 'Scoutathon' where scouts would run marathons for cash—because who needs merit badges when you have cash prizes?. Fact: Did you know that the first Scout Fund was actually intended to buy cookies? The cookies never materialized, but the money sure did!.