APRIL 3, 1935

Full News Archive

• Headline: Mellon Denies Tax Evasion Allegations. Impact: Mellon's denial led to a series of convoluted tax avoidance strategies that inspired countless wealthy individuals to think they could outsmart the system, eventually leading to the invention of the tax loophole as a sport. Who knew tax evasion could be a competitive activity?. Fact: Did you know that denying knowledge of tax evasion is practically a rite of passage for wealthy politicians? It's like a secret handshake for the elite!.
• Headline: Vassar Cane Donated to College. Impact: Receiving the Vassar Cane not only solidified this college's connection to aristocracy but also inadvertently launched a bizarre trend of affluent institutions gifting each other odd relics, resulting in a modern-day treasure hunt for obscure items.. Fact: Fun fact: The Vassar Cane was rumored to have magical powers that could boost your GPA—too bad nobody could ever find it!.
• Headline: Voting for Church Leadership in 1935. Impact: This congregation's indecision on calling a new leader rippled through time, inspiring countless future congregations to adopt a similar strategy of endless voting, leading to the invention of the 'perpetual meeting'.. Fact: Did you know that the only thing longer than a church meeting is the list of excuses for not attending one?.
• Headline: Explains Absence of Flags.. Impact: The broken halyard became a legend among flag enthusiasts, leading to an international movement advocating for quality flag maintenance, which somehow turned into a reality show called 'Flag Rescue'.. Fact: Did you know that the only thing worse than a broken flag halyard is a broken promise? Just ask any politician!.
• Headline: EX-POLICEMAN COWS BRONX HOLD-UP MAN; Former Lieutenant, Lacking a Pistol, Fells Gunman With Fist as He Leaves Shop.. Impact: This ex-policeman's heroic act of felling a gunman with his bare hands inspired a generation of vigilantes, leading to a brief but intense period of citizens taking law enforcement into their own fists—err, hands.. Fact: Did you know that this former lieutenant's fists were so powerful, they were once considered a lethal weapon? Who needs guns when you have sheer brawn?.
• Headline: LAVAL IS INVITED TO VISIT WARSAW; French Minister Accepts and a Bid to Berlin Also Is Held Not Entirely Unlikely.. Impact: Laval's invitation to Warsaw and Berlin sparked a series of diplomatic tea parties that ultimately led to the world's most awkward peace talks, where no one could agree on the flavor of tea or the terms of peace.. Fact: Did you know that most diplomatic visits are just an excuse for leaders to enjoy free pastries at each other's expense? Talk about a sweet deal!.
• Headline: MACEDONIANS BURY CHIEF.. Impact: The burial of the chief sent shockwaves through the Macedonian community, leading to a newfound appreciation for funerals and a bizarre trend of celebrity-themed burials that still persists today.. Fact: Did you know that in some cultures, the more extravagant the funeral, the greater the respect? So, save those fancy hats for your last hurrah!.
• Headline: SWISS MAKE ISSUE OF NAZI KIDNAPPING; Government, Demanding Reich Return Jacob, Will Insist Upon Sovereign Rights.. Impact: Switzerland's demand for the return of Jacob became the catalyst for future nations to realize that blackmail might actually work—just ask every diplomat since then.. Fact: Did you know that Switzerland is famous for its neutrality, but when it comes to kidnapping, they suddenly become very opinionated? A bit hypocritical, don't you think?.
• Headline: Aldermen's Inquiry Pays Stenographers $350 Day. Impact: The exorbitant payment to stenographers during the aldermen's inquiry set a precedent for government waste, leading to a long-standing tradition of overpaying for mediocre services that continues to this day.. Fact: Did you know that if you want to make big bucks, just become a stenographer for city councils? It’s basically a license to print money without doing much!.