APRIL 1, 1935

Full News Archive

• Headline: Sales Tax Penalty Deferred for Merchants. Impact: If only Taylor had delayed the sales tax penalty by a month instead of a week, we might have avoided a nationwide epidemic of procrastination that led to the invention of the 'last-minute filing' app, forever changing the way we handle taxes—and our sanity.. Fact: Did you know that filing taxes can actually be more stressful than planning a wedding? At least with weddings, you get cake..
• Headline: Deutsch Addresses Real Anti-Semitism Fears. Impact: Deutsch's speech on anti-Semitism didn't just raise awareness; it triggered a series of community dialogues that resulted in the establishment of 'Awkward Family Dinner' discussions, which have since become a staple of uncomfortable family gatherings.. Fact: Did you know that discussing anti-Semitism is often easier than discussing politics at family dinners? At least you can agree on the food..
• Headline: Power Shortage Found in Nation; Board Warns of Wartime Peril; Federal Commission Asserts, After National Survey, That Existing Plants Could Not Meet Industrial Needs of 'Normal' Times -- Asks $300,000,000 Construction.. Impact: The discovery of a power shortage sent shockwaves through the nation, ultimately leading to the invention of the energy drink industry. Yes, folks, if everyone had just turned off their lights, we might have never needed five-hour energy shots.. Fact: Did you know that wartime peril is just a fancy way of saying 'we’re going to have to cut back on the Netflix binge-watching'?.
• Headline: PROBLEM OF DOGMA SEEN IN PULPIT CALL; Broadway Presbyterians Will Invite Rev. J.H. McComb, a Fundamentalist.. Impact: The pulpit call for a fundamentalist pastor sparked countless debates over dogma that eventually led to the rise of internet trolls who still argue about religion in the comments section of cat videos.. Fact: Did you know that some people think dogma is just a fancy breed of dog? Spoiler: It’s not..
• Headline: OLD AND NEW MUSIC AT MENORAH CONCERT; Eleven Artists Participate in Event Devoted to 'Hebraic and Biblical Image.'. Impact: The Menorah concert devoted to Hebraic and Biblical music inadvertently started a movement that inspired countless 'crossover' concerts, ultimately leading to a bizarre fusion of genres that included everything from Christian rap to Jewish techno.. Fact: Did you know that music can bring people together? Unless it's elevator music—then it just brings people to the edge of sanity..
• Headline: DYNAMITINGS AT 2 MINES.; Damage Done at a Glen Alden Pit and at Bernice, Pa.. Impact: The dynamitings at the mines led to stricter regulations on mining safety, which ironically caused a dip in mining enthusiasm and the rise of the 'couch potato' generation—thanks, Glen Alden, for making sitting around seem way more appealing.. Fact: Did you know that mining accidents are the reason we have safety regulations? Otherwise, we might still be using pickaxes without helmets—yikes!.
• Headline: COMPENSATION CHANGES.. Impact: The changes in compensation sparked a slow but steady evolution of workplace perks, eventually leading to the modern era of 'free snacks' as a means to keep employees from realizing they’re underpaid.. Fact: Did you know that 'compensation changes' is just a euphemism for 'we're going to make you work harder for the same amount of money'?.