MARCH 30, 1935

Full News Archive

• Headline: Columbia's Publication Controversy of 1935. Impact: The Columbia student board's indecision on publication rules set off a chain reaction that eventually led to the invention of the internet, where every ill-informed opinion can be expressed with no editorial oversight. Thanks, Columbia!. Fact: Did you know that the first official online comment section was a heated debate about pineapple on pizza? Columbia's indecision paved the way for this culinary controversy..
• Headline: Providence Wins Fire Prevention Prize. Impact: Providence's fire prevention win inspired a global movement that led to the creation of the world's most boring superhero: Captain Fire Safety, who just reminds people to check their smoke detectors.. Fact: Funny enough, the only thing Captain Fire Safety ever rescued was a cat stuck in a tree—because, you know, fire safety superheroes need hobbies too..
• Headline: La Guardia Honors Newspaper Guild at Benefit. Impact: La Guardia's spotlight at the benefit not only boosted his popularity but also inspired future politicians to attend benefits, leading to the rise of 'politician selfie culture'—because nothing says 'I care' like a staged photo-op.. Fact: Did you know that La Guardia once read the comics to children in a NYC hospital? Clearly, he was testing out his stand-up routine for political rallies..
• Headline: Pari-Mutuel Bill Passed.. Impact: The passage of the Pari-Mutuel Bill kicked off a gambling frenzy that would eventually lead to the creation of numerous gambling-themed reality shows, including 'Dancing with the Slot Machines'.. Fact: It's ironic, but the original name for the Pari-Mutuel system was 'Betting on Friends', which sounds like a bad sitcom..
• Headline: THE W.K. VANDERBILTS END CRUISE AT MIAMI; Colonists to Give Many Parties at Rose Ball, Final Dance at Surf Club, Tomorrow.. Impact: The Vanderbilts' glamorous cruise ended with parties that inspired a new generation of social events: the 'Instagrammable' parties, where the focus is more on the perfect filter than the guest list.. Fact: The Vanderbilts actually invented the phrase 'Let's take this to the next level' during one of their soirees—right before they realized it meant a higher bar tab..
• Headline: Baby Killed by a Truck.. Impact: The tragic death of baby Sanchez by a truck led to stricter traffic laws, which ironically resulted in more people trying to outrun streetlights—because nothing teaches safety like a cautionary tale.. Fact: In the aftermath, it was found that many drivers believed 'stop' signs were merely suggestions. Safety education really took a hit there..
• Headline: J.P. MORGAN SELLS ANOTHER PAINTING; Disposes of 'Madonna and Child With Angels,' by Angelico, to English Collector.. Impact: J.P. Morgan selling a painting marked the start of a new trend where the rich began treating art as an investment rather than appreciation, leading to the notorious 'art flipping' culture we see today.. Fact: It's said that Morgan had a secret collection of paintings that he bought solely to impress dinner guests. Spoiler: most of them were just terrible knockoffs..
• Headline: MISS BENNETT ENGAGED.; Upper Montclalr Girl Will Be Bride of S. V, Z. Schreiber,. Impact: Miss Bennett's engagement added fuel to the fire of matchmaking, eventually culminating in the creation of dating apps that have made searching for love feel more like shopping for shoes.. Fact: Ironically, Miss Bennett's fiancé was not a fan of online dating—he preferred the classic method of 'awkwardly avoiding eye contact at parties.'.
• Headline: CHERRY BLOSSOMS APPEAR; Washington Trees Burst Into Bloom Under Warm Sun.. Impact: The blooming cherry blossoms in Washington marked the beginning of an annual tourist influx, eventually leading to the creation of the Cherry Blossom Festival, where people gather to take selfies instead of appreciating nature.. Fact: The cherry trees were a gift from Japan, which means every time someone takes a selfie in front of them, a Japanese person silently facepalms..
• Headline: RIOT GLASS LOSS $147,315.; Insurance Survey Shows 25,000 Square Feet Broken.. Impact: The significant financial loss from the riot glass was a pivotal moment that led to the rise of insurance companies specializing in riot damage, paving the way for the 'riot-proof' glass industry.. Fact: It's rumored that the first insurance policy for riot glass explicitly included a clause that read 'no riots on weekends'—because, you know, they have to draw the line somewhere..