MARCH 29, 1935

Full News Archive

• Headline: H.G. Wells Joins Authors Club. Impact: H.G. Wells calling himself a 'hack' inspired countless aspiring writers to lower their standards and think, 'Hey, if he can do it, so can I!' This led to an explosion of mediocre sci-fi novels in the decades to come, paving the way for the likes of Twilight and Fifty Shades of Grey. Thanks, Wells.. Fact: Did you know H.G. Wells also predicted the rise of reality television? Yeah, he envisioned a world where people would be famous for doing absolutely nothing. What a visionary!.
• Headline: Eden's Peace Talks in Moscow. Impact: The Moscow parley was like the world's most awkward Tinder date, where both parties swiped right but couldn't agree on pizza toppings. This lack of consensus led to decades of Cold War, which in turn inspired a slew of spy movies and conspiracy theories that still haunt us today.. Fact: Fun fact: The phrase 'move in concert for peace' has been used so often that it might as well be the official motto of politicians everywhere. They should probably just shorten it to 'we're working on it.'.
• Headline: Labor Leaders Warn Congress of Strikes. Impact: The auto and rubber strike threats put Congress on high alert, triggering a nationwide obsession with rubber duckies as a symbol of resilience. Who knew a bunch of labor chiefs could lead to a bath-time revolution?. Fact: Labor chiefs threatening strikes is basically just Congress' version of 'if you don’t let me have dessert, I’ll hold my breath until I turn blue.' Spoiler: Congress never turns blue..
• Headline: Gets Legal Data on Mortgages.. Impact: The grand jury getting legal data on mortgages seemed mundane, but it eventually led to the rise of the housing market crash, which prompted millions to perfect the art of living in their parents' basements. Truly a cultural phenomenon.. Fact: Did you know mortgage documents are often longer than the average novel? No wonder people get lost in them and end up with a house they can't afford, just like a bad horror story..
• Headline: GEORGE VANDERBILT BACK.; Spent 10 Months in African Hunt -- Denies He Is Engaged.. Impact: George Vanderbilt's long African hunt inspired the trope of the wealthy adventurer, leading to countless bad movies where rich people hunt exotic animals and call it a 'safari.' Thanks for nothing, George.. Fact: Did you know that denying engagement is basically the 1920s version of 'it's complicated'? George should have just sent a tweet and saved us all the trouble..
• Headline: SEC Officials to Confer Here.. Impact: SEC officials meeting with the New York Stock Exchange was like a group therapy session for financial institutions. Their discussions on regulations led to the creation of so much red tape that even the most patient bureaucrat would lose their mind.. Fact: The SEC and the NYSE have been meeting for decades, but they still haven’t figured out how to make stock trading less confusing. It’s almost like they enjoy watching the rest of us suffer..
• Headline: ICKES NAMES GREEN PROJECT ENGINEER; Appointee Will Supervise Triborough Bridge and Hudson Tunnel Construction.. Impact: Ickes naming a project engineer for the Triborough Bridge and Hudson Tunnel was the moment when planners realized they could build structural marvels without actually having to deal with the chaos of city traffic. Spoiler alert: Traffic still exists.. Fact: Did you know that naming a project engineer is basically the same as giving them a participation trophy? Congratulations, you're officially not getting fired for now!.