MARCH 23, 1935

Full News Archive

• Headline: The Talkies Celebrate Movie Innovation. Impact: The success of talkies led to a chain reaction where everyone started to believe they could sing, dance, or act. Fast forward to today, and we have TikTok influencers who think they're the next Marlon Brando.. Fact: The first talkie was 'The Jazz Singer' in 1927, where Al Jolson famously proclaimed, 'You ain't heard nothin' yet!' Little did he know, that would also apply to the amount of awful remakes we would see..
• Headline: Jaks Defeats Tunero in Paris. Impact: After Jaks outpointed Tunero, a sudden increase in boxing matches began, leading to the rise of every uncle thinking they could also take on a professional boxer in their backyards.. Fact: Boxing: the only sport where you can be knocked out and still be the winner – if you have the right judges, that is..
• Headline: The Virgin Islands: A Historical Context. Impact: The Virgin Islands became a tourist hotspot, which later led to every person with a midlife crisis thinking they could buy a beach house there, causing a monumental shortage of overpriced piña coladas.. Fact: The Virgin Islands were named by Christopher Columbus, who probably just wanted to impress his friends with tales of 'paradise' and 'unlimited rum'..
• Headline: POETIC PLAY IS GIVEN IN PREMIERE AT YALE; Choral Verse Speaking Marks 'Culbin Sands' -- Cocteau's Fantasy, 'Orphee,' Seen.. Impact: The premiere of 'Culbin Sands' and 'Orphee' sparked a wave of pretentious artsy plays, resulting in countless people pretending to understand abstract theater, leading to the invention of the phrase 'I totally get it.'. Fact: Jean Cocteau once said, 'Art is a kind of confession.' So basically, every time you pretend to enjoy a two-hour play about nothing, you’re just confessing to your poor life choices..
• Headline: MRS. S. P. AMMIDOWN WED IN WES; TCHESTER Daughter of Samuel Park, Vice Consul at Biarritz, B. Impact: Mrs. S. P. Ammidown's wedding likely started a trend for the Vice Consul's children to marry off into other diplomatic families, thus ensuring that awkward dinner parties would be a never-ending global affair.. Fact: Weddings are just elaborate social contracts where you agree to tolerate your spouse's family – and pretend to like the food they serve at the reception..
• Headline: Richard Crooks Resting Well.. Impact: Richard Crooks resting well made headlines, prompting every celebrity to start using 'self-care' as an excuse for their month-long vacations. Now it's a full-blown industry.. Fact: Resting well is the new 'I’m on a spiritual journey' – just a fancy way to say you're binge-watching Netflix in your pajamas..
• Headline: WINTER BUYS FLAT NEAR DYCKMAN ST.; Operator Acquires Apartment in Vermilyea Avenue From Teachers' Fund.. Impact: Winter's flat purchase near Dyckman St. likely led to a real estate boom, creating a competition where everyone thought they could flip apartments for a profit, resulting in more bad reality TV shows than we can count.. Fact: Real estate is the only field where you can lose money while trying to make a living. Welcome to the American Dream!.
• Headline: Battering Attack Enables Braddock to Triumph Over Lasky in Garden Bout; BRADDOCK DEFEATS LASKY ON POINTS. Impact: Braddock's triumph over Lasky inspired a whole generation of underdogs to pursue boxing, resulting in countless movies where the hero wins against all odds, despite not having a single training montage.. Fact: Boxing is the only sport where you get punched repeatedly and somehow still end up a hero in the eyes of the public. Talk about a twisted career path!.
• Headline: MAE MURRAY WINS PLEA.; Appellate Division Orders Retrial of $300,000 Suit.. Impact: Mae Murray's retrial led to a never-ending cycle of lawsuits in Hollywood, establishing the foundation for the celebrity culture that thrives on drama, scandals, and endless court appearances.. Fact: Hollywood lawsuits are like reality TV – just when you think it can't get more ridiculous, they find a way to top themselves!.