MARCH 22, 1935

Full News Archive

• Headline: Wolf Tops National Squash Rankings. Impact: H.F. Wolf's squash dominance inspired an entire generation of children to pick up racquets, leading to an unexpected explosion of squash enthusiasm, which in turn resulted in the creation of the world's first squash-themed reality TV show. Spoiler: nobody won.. Fact: Did you know that squash can burn more calories than running? Too bad no one cares about your squash skills when you're trying to impress at a party..
• Headline: Historic Business Meeting of 1935. Impact: This vague 'Business World' meeting somehow led to the invention of the office coffee machine. Imagine the chaos that would ensue if they had stayed silent!. Fact: Did you know that meetings are just a way for people to be productive while doing absolutely nothing? Truly the pinnacle of human advancement..
• Headline: Nazi Organizer Arrested in Austria. Impact: Leitzner's arrest catalyzed a massive anti-Nazi sentiment across Europe, eventually leading to the invention of the phrase 'Not on my watch!' which has been used since, ironically, on watches that were stolen.. Fact: Did you know that the Gestapo, while notorious, also had a penchant for terrible puns? There's a reason they never made it in comedy..
• Headline: SAYS HITLER'S AIDES BALKED ON ARMY STEP; Swiss Editor Asserts Blomberg and Neurath Refused to Approve Manner of Move.. Impact: The hesitance of Blomberg and Neurath to support Hitler's conscription led to a series of events that included awkward dinner parties where everyone just sat in silence, contemplating their life choices.. Fact: Did you know that indecision can actually be a choice? It’s like choosing to watch paint dry instead of making a decision about your future..
• Headline: EMPLOYMENT ROSE 3.2% IN FEBRUARY; Payrolls Also Show Increase of 7.8% Over January, a High Mark for Month.. Impact: The boost in employment rates resulted in an uptick in people buying unnecessary gym memberships, leading to an explosion in the fitness industry. Thanks for those 3.2%, America!. Fact: Did you know that most gym memberships go unused? It's the adult version of a participation trophy!.
• Headline: SOVIET PLACES FAITH IN TRI-POWER PARLEY; Hopes Britain, France and Italy Will Develop Means to Curb Reich Military Ambitions.. Impact: Soviet interest in curbing the Reich's ambitions led to the construction of an elaborate game of chess played with real countries as pieces. Spoiler: it didn’t end well.. Fact: Did you know that chess was once banned in the Soviet Union? Apparently, even a game about strategy was too strategic for them..
• Headline: INQUIRY IN HARLEM URGED AT ALBANY; Assemblyman Stephens Drafts Resolution as Governor Refuses to Send Guards.. Impact: The resolution for an inquiry into Negro discrimination in New York sparked a nationwide movement for equality. Who knew a simple draft could create a tidal wave?. Fact: Did you know that asking for equality is still a radical idea in some places? Welcome to the 21st century, where 'equality' is still a work in progress!.
• Headline: ITALY MAY BOOST SIZE OF HER ARMY; Likely to Keep Class of 1913 in Service Overtime Because of German Situation.. Impact: Italy's decision to keep the Class of 1913 in service caused a cascade of unfulfilled dreams for those men, leading to many 'what could have been' memoirs that nobody ever read.. Fact: Did you know that the average soldier's memoirs are about as interesting as watching grass grow? And yet, they still get published!.
• Headline: HILTON GAINS GOLF FINAL.; Sets Back Dick Jones, 2 and 1, at Belleair -- Mitchell Wins.. Impact: Hilton's golf championship victory led to a rise in golf-related injuries among amateurs, including a man who famously tried to hit a hole-in-one with a frying pan.. Fact: Did you know that golf is the only sport where you can yell 'fore' and everyone thinks you're just warning them about your bad shot? True story!.