MARCH 12, 1935

Full News Archive

• Headline: McNally Trial Delayed Again. Impact: If only McNally had gone to trial sooner, perhaps the concept of legal delays wouldn't have become a national sport, leading to future lawyers forming support groups just to cope.. Fact: Did you know that the average trial delay is longer than the lifespan of some species of turtles? Talk about slow justice!.
• Headline: Confidence in Treasury: Bond Redemption Explained. Impact: Dr. Sprague's confidence in the treasury might have inspired future economists to hold confidence seminars, ultimately leading to the 2008 financial crisis when no one believed it could happen.. Fact: Spoiler alert: confidence in the economy is often as solid as a house of cards in a windstorm..
• Headline: National Drive Supports Press Guild Rights. Impact: This coalition may have inadvertently started a trend of unions forming leagues for everything, including 'anti-traffic-light' leagues, which we can only assume would lead to utter chaos.. Fact: Unions have such a knack for forming leagues that if they put that energy into sports, they'd probably dominate the Olympics!.
• Headline: SERVICE STRIKERS REPORT VICTORIES; Union Says 1,700 Buildings in the Bronx Have Signed Since the Walkout Began.. Impact: This successful strike likely inspired future generations to believe that protesting might actually work, leading to a global uprising against overpriced avocado toast.. Fact: 1,700 buildings signed? Pretty sure my apartment is still waiting for a union to fight for better Wi-Fi..
• Headline: Louise Fairfax Recuperating.. Impact: Louise's recovery might have sparked a newfound interest in modern medicine, leading to an unexpected boom in yoga studios and herbal tea sales.. Fact: Fun fact: recuperation is just a fancy way of saying 'taking a break and binge-watching your favorite shows.'.
• Headline: WESTCHESTER TO SELL WHITE PLAINS TRACT; Valuable Property Opposite Is Placed on Market -- $1,000,000 Bid Already Reported.. Impact: The sale of this tract likely set off a chain reaction of property flipping that eventually led to reality TV shows where people bid on properties they’ll never live in.. Fact: Real estate agents must have a sixth sense for property value; or maybe it's just the ability to ignore the 'haunted' past of a house..
• Headline: BOYS CAUSE LIQUOR RAIDS.; Two in Westchester Act With Police to Bring 3 Arrests.. Impact: This duo may have inspired future generations of kids to become snitches, ultimately leading to a new career path for future generations: professional troublemakers.. Fact: Who knew that two boys could turn the liquor industry upside down? They should probably start a consulting firm!.
• Headline: GOLD RULING AIDS BRAZIL.; Huge Savings in Principal and Interest on Dollar Loans Seen.. Impact: This ruling may have led Brazil to invest heavily in gold, finally allowing them to buy that gold-plated statue of Christ the Redeemer they always wanted.. Fact: Fun fact: 'gold' comes from the Old English word 'geolu', which means 'yellow'. So basically, they were just talking about pretty shiny rocks..
• Headline: MISS EMMA STEELE WED.; Becomes Bride of Hamilton Pell In Palm Beach Villa.. Impact: Emma's wedding likely catalyzed an entire industry of wedding planners, leading to subsequent generations of brides who spend more on their big day than their education.. Fact: Did you know that the average wedding costs more than a small car? But at least you get a lifetime of debt instead of just a car payment!.