MARCH 2, 1935

Full News Archive

• Headline: Sabatini's Tax Review Petition of 1935. Impact: Sabatini's tax review petition eventually leads to an underground network of tax evaders who believe they can time-travel to avoid audits. Spoiler alert: they can't.. Fact: Did you know that tax reviews are just a fancy way of saying, 'We’re going to scrutinize your financial life like a reality TV judge?'.
• Headline: Brooklyn College Wrestling Victory. Impact: Brooklyn College's wrestling victory ignites a fierce rivalry that culminates in a wrestling reality show 50 years later, where the winner gets a lifetime supply of protein powder.. Fact: Did you know that wrestling was once considered a legitimate way to resolve disputes? Imagine if that were still the case for Congress!.
• Headline: Miss Klein Breaks 1,000-Meter Record. Impact: Miss Klein's record-setting run inspires a global obsession with running, eventually leading to the invention of the jogging stroller, which becomes the preferred mode of transportation for hipster parents.. Fact: Did you know that Norway has more trolls than people? Just kidding, but they do have a pretty solid running culture!.
• Headline: WARSHIP IS COMMISSIONED; Commander Takes Over New Destroyer at Philadelphia.. Impact: The commissioning of the new destroyer leads to a naval arms race, which results in a future where ships are equipped with Wi-Fi and gourmet food trucks.. Fact: Did you know that destroyers are not just ships but also a metaphor for how we destroy our weekends?.
• Headline: ELIZABETH WYSOR HEARD.; Contralto Makes Good Impression at First Recital Here.. Impact: Elizabeth Wysor's successful recital leads to a worldwide movement where every aspiring contralto believes they can conquer the world with just one recital, ultimately resulting in a musical apocalypse.. Fact: Did you know that the word 'recital' comes from the Latin 'recitare,' which means 'to read aloud'? So, technically, we all could have been world-class contraltos if we just read the right things!.
• Headline: Spanish Colonial Art.. Impact: The outcry over the scarcity of Spanish Colonial art leads to a black market of stolen art pieces, eventually culminating in a heist film starring a famous actor. Spoiler: it was all just a giant art installation.. Fact: Did you know that the 'scarcity' of art often just means that someone forgot where they put it? Classic!.
• Headline: INCOME TAX REPEAL BY CITY HELD SURE; Two Boards Vote to Extend Its Effective Date to June 1 to Await Sales Levy Results. DEUTSCH BOWS TO TAYLOR Both Agree Law Should Not Stand -- Retail Group Finds Encouragement in Action.. Impact: The income tax repeal encourages merchants to launch a new line of 'Tax-Free Monday' sales, inadvertently leading to a consumer frenzy that triggers major economic shifts.. Fact: Did you know that when taxes are repealed, people tend to celebrate by buying more junk they don't need? It’s like a national holiday for impulse buyers!.
• Headline: SENATORS RECEIVE RELIEF WAGE PLAN FROM WHITE HOUSE; Payment of Prevailing Scale Is Reported Offered if Jobs Compete With Industry. M'CARRAN MEETS REBUFF Suggestion That the President Limit Total Pay of Any One Worker Is Rejected. SENATORS RECEIVE RELIEF WAGE PLAN. Impact: The relief wage plan leads to a complex series of negotiations that ultimately results in the creation of a nationwide 'Job Swap Day,' where people trade jobs for a day and realize they should probably stick to their own.. Fact: Did you know that the term 'relief wage' sounds suspiciously like the salary you get when you're relieved to be out of your last job?.
• Headline: DOOLING ACCEPTS REDISTRICTING CUT; He Agrees to Loss of Seven Assembly Seats, but Says Legislators May Balk. LEHMAN FINDS 'PROGRESS' But Albany Sees Patronage as Possible Key to Action at This Session. DOOLING ACCEPTS REDISTRICTING CUT. Impact: Dooling’s agreement on redistricting leads to a bizarre chain of events where every politician starts losing seats, which mysteriously aligns with the rise of reality TV politics.. Fact: Did you know that redistricting is just a polite way of saying, 'We’re going to shuffle things around until we find someone who agrees with us?'.
• Headline: Shrewsbury River Hearing Set.. Impact: The Shrewsbury River hearing sparks a community debate that leads to the founding of an eco-friendly boat race, ultimately making the river a popular Instagram spot for influencers.. Fact: Did you know that hearings often resemble group therapy sessions, where no one really listens but everyone pretends they care?.