MARCH 1, 1935

Full News Archive

• Headline: Tammany's Opposition to District Plan. Impact: The Tamany Districting Plan's failure led to a series of convoluted political maneuvers that eventually resulted in a 21st-century congressman being elected solely for his ability to juggle and recite Shakespeare. Truly, the butterfly flapped its wings and caused a circus.. Fact: Did you know that political negotiations are just like family dinners? There's always someone who won't pass the potatoes and another who brings up old grudges..
• Headline: Old Home Town Rallies for Change. Impact: The stirring of the old hometown led to a mass migration of people seeking nostalgia, ultimately resulting in a local coffee shop chain that became the epicenter of hipster culture. Thanks a lot, hometown pride!. Fact: Fun fact: Nostalgia is just a fancy term for 'remembering better times before we had to pay bills.'.
• Headline: Sir Knox Receives High Honor. Impact: Knox's knighthood started a trend of fake knight titles that eventually led to the invention of the 'Knight of the Couch,' an honorary title given to anyone who binge-watches TV shows without moving. Truly, the honor has evolved.. Fact: Did you know that knights used to have to fight dragons? Now they just fight for the last slice of pizza..
• Headline: JAPANESE ENTER BRAZIL.; 1,000 More Immigrants Bring Total There Near 200,000.. Impact: The influx of Japanese immigrants to Brazil led to a culinary fusion that resulted in sushi feijoada, which was promptly rejected by everyone involved. Just imagine the awkward dinner parties.. Fact: Funny how immigration can lead to both cultural enrichment and culinary disasters, right?.
• Headline: PRIEST FLEES DODECANESE; Arrives in Athens After Escape Disguised as Woman.. Impact: The priest's escape set off a chain reaction that made disguises a hot fashion trend, eventually leading to a world where everyone was wearing disguises just to avoid awkward small talk. Who knew escaping could be so stylish?. Fact: Did you know that the best disguise is to just act like you belong? Works like a charm at family reunions!.
• Headline: ITALY AND ETHIOPIA.; Criticism of Mussolini's Action Viewed as Beyond Our Province.. Impact: Mussolini's actions sparked international criticism that eventually led to a series of memes about mustaches and authoritarianism that still circulate today. Thanks, Mussolini, for the endless material!. Fact: Did you know that sometimes, the worst leaders inspire the best comedy? Just look at history's greatest hits!.
• Headline: $60,000,000 IN FREIGHT SEEN FOR A FREE PORT; Palma Submits Second Report on Yearly Trade in Proposal for Staten Island.. Impact: The proposal for a free port on Staten Island led to a series of debates over trade that ultimately resulted in Staten Island becoming the go-to location for all things bizarre, including a museum of bad decisions.. Fact: Did you know that free ports are basically like the 'all-you-can-eat buffet' of trade? Except nobody wants the mystery meat..
• Headline: POLES TO CUT DUTIES ON BRITISH EXPORTS; Half of Goods Shipped From London to Benefit From Pact -- Warsaw Gets Concessions.. Impact: The Anglo-Polish agreement on cutting duties became a template for future trade deals, leading to a world where bartering cookies for favors became an acceptable form of diplomacy.. Fact: Fun fact: The best deals are made over cookies. Just ask anyone who has ever used baked goods to negotiate peace!.
• Headline: 7 AMERICANS TO GO TO TRADE PARLEY; Dr. Nicholas Murray Butler Will Head Group at Conference in London Tuesday.. Impact: The delegation to the trade parley in London foreshadowed the rise of professional conference-goers. You know, the folks who show up just for the free pens and lunch.. Fact: Did you know that attending conferences is just a social experiment on how many people can smile while talking about spreadsheets?.
• Headline: Front Page 4 -- No Title. Impact: The plans for the Emperor's enthronement celebration led to the first-ever 'Royalty Appreciation Day,' which has somehow turned into a day for discounts on royal-themed merchandise. Because nothing says 'honor' like a clearance sale!. Fact: Did you know that emperors need a lot of pomp and circumstance? If only they had a good PR team!.