FEBRUARY 13, 1935

Full News Archive

• Headline: Sheldon Triumphs in Tuxedo Gold Racquet Tourney. Impact: Had Sheldon lost, the world might have been deprived of a decade-long obsession with racquet sports, leading to a surge in interest in competitive knitting instead. Imagine the knitted Olympic Games!. Fact: Did you know 'tuxedo' was originally a term for a fancy jacket? So basically, this match was a dress code away from being a high-stakes fashion show..
• Headline: Budget Bills Passed After Late Night Session. Impact: This late-night brawl set a precedent for all future political debates to occur at odd hours—who knew democracy could use the ambiance of a midnight diner?. Fact: Did you know that in Albany, 'insurgency' is just another word for 'Tuesday'?.
• Headline: Still Operation Bust Leads to Arrests. Impact: These three unfortunate souls sparked a nationwide debate on the morality of moonshine, ultimately leading to a resurgence of speakeasies in hipster neighborhoods. Cheers to rebellion!. Fact: Did you know that moonshine was once considered an art form? Turns out, your local bartender isn't the only one with a creative touch!.
• Headline: Kolp Released by Reds.. Impact: Kolp's release was like a game of international chess—his freedom led to a series of diplomatic back-and-forths that could rival any soap opera. Cue the dramatic music!. Fact: Did you know that being 'released by Reds' doesn't mean you get a complimentary T-shirt? You'd think they'd at least throw in some swag for that kind of exit..
• Headline: ABSTRACT PAINTING REVEALED AT SHOW; Retrospective Exhibition at Whitney Museum Discloses American Art Trend.. Impact: The unveiling of abstract art led to a cultural shift where people pretended to understand deep meanings behind splashes of paint, ultimately making art galleries the new coffeehouses for existential crises.. Fact: Did you know that abstract art is just like a toddler’s drawing? The only difference is the price tag—one costs a fortune, and the other gets fridge space..
• Headline: Steuer to Discuss Case.. Impact: This case discussion paved the way for radio as the new courtroom drama, inspiring a series of podcasts that make you question if you really need to read the law books.. Fact: Did you know that discussing court cases on the radio is just a fancy way of saying 'let’s gossip'? Who needs legal briefs when you have audio drama?.
• Headline: Oil Company Is Absolved.. Impact: This absolution opened the floodgates for oil companies to claim innocence on everything, leading to a future where 'absolved' becomes the new corporate buzzword—right next to 'synergy'.. Fact: Did you know that 'absolved' is Latin for 'let's continue making profit without consequences'? It's a favorite among corporate lawyers!.
• Headline: Heads Dartmouth Monthly.. Impact: The election of the Jack o'Lantern as head of Dartmouth Monthly was the catalyst for pumpkin spice lattes becoming a seasonal staple, forever altering autumn and ensuring that no one can escape its reach.. Fact: Did you know that pumpkin spice lattes have more followers than most politicians? Maybe they should run for office next!.