JANUARY 19, 1935

Full News Archive

• Headline: Athlete Recruitment Rights Affirmed in 1935. Impact: In a stunning turn of events, the decision to treat athletes as equals in admissions led to the rise of a new breed of student-athlete that could negotiate their way into college with the same finesse as a used car salesman. This created a future where universities became more concerned with their sports teams than their academic integrity, leading to the eventual invention of the 'Scholar-Athlete' trophy, which is actually just a participation ribbon.. Fact: Did you know that many colleges now have entire departments dedicated to finding the next superstar athlete? Because who needs a philosophy major when you can have a linebacker with a 2.0 GPA?.
• Headline: Cool Outpoints Serrian in 1935 Match. Impact: The outcome of this match caused a ripple effect that led to the rise of 'cool' as an official measurement in sports commentary, forever changing how we evaluate athletic prowess. Future matches would be judged not just on skill but on how cool the players looked while losing.. Fact: Fun fact: 'Cool' was once a subjective term until this match, when it was officially recorded in history books as a legitimate metric for sports success..
• Headline: E.G. Budd Manufacturing Stock Proposal. Impact: E.G. Budd Manufacturing's stock increase proposal set a precedent for corporate greed that would inspire future companies to raise stock prices every time someone sneezed, leading to the creation of the 'Sneeze Market Index' that is now watched daily by investors.. Fact: Did you know that a stock increase is often just a fancy way of saying, 'We’re charging you more for the same product'? Welcome to capitalism!.
• Headline: BIG MORTGAGES EXTENDED.; Court Orders Reorganization Involving $533,000 in Certificates.. Impact: The court’s decision to extend these mortgages fueled a housing bubble that would eventually burst, but not before inspiring a reality TV show about wealthy Brooklynites losing their mansions, proving once again that disaster is just another form of entertainment.. Fact: Did you know Brooklyn was once a sleepy borough until people decided it was trendy? Now, it's a competition to see who can pay the most for the least amount of space!.
• Headline: SYNTHETIC FABRICS SEEN AS 1945 GARB; Dry Goods Merchants Hear 75 Per Cent of Garments Will Be of Such Materials.. Impact: The prediction that 75% of garments would be made from synthetic fabrics led to an explosion in fabric innovations, which eventually resulted in the phenomenon known as 'athleisure'—the art of looking like you just rolled out of bed while spending $200 on yoga pants.. Fact: Fun fact: Synthetic fabrics don’t breathe, so if you’re sweating like a sinner in church, remember, that’s just science working against your fashion choices..
• Headline: 4 1/2 Billion Bank Reserves Set a New High Record. Impact: The bank reserves hitting a new high record led to a bizarre trend where banks started hoarding money like it was the last cookie in the jar, creating a future where customers were left wondering why their savings accounts looked like they were on a diet.. Fact: Did you know that banks are like that friend who always borrows money but never pays you back? They just keep collecting reserves while you scrape by!.
• Headline: Eagles Will Get Jerwa.. Impact: The Eagles acquiring Jerwa was the turning point that made everyone realize that athletes are basically modern-day royalty, leading to the creation of fan merchandise that now includes everything from jerseys to bed sheets, because who wouldn’t want to sleep with their favorite player?. Fact: Fun fact: The Eagles have so many fans that if they all decided to stand in one place, they could probably create a small nation. Welcome to 'Eagleland'!.
• Headline: BROKERS ENLARGE GOOD-WILL DRIVE; Association of Exchange Firms Sponsors Moves in 135 Cities in U.S., Canada.. Impact: The brokers' goodwill drive led to the bizarre trend of financial firms trying to win over the public with charm instead of actual money management, resulting in the invention of the 'Financial Hug,' a term used when brokers attempt to comfort clients after a bad investment.. Fact: Did you know that goodwill in finance is just another term for 'we promise we’re not stealing from you'? It’s basically a corporate hug!.
• Headline: Curb Exchange's Official Ticket Nominates Three Brokers Not Now on Governing Board. Impact: The nomination of three unnamed brokers for the Curb Exchange’s governing board sparked a new era of secretive political maneuvering in financial institutions, leading to the rise of the 'Broker Underground,' where deals are made in dark alleys and whispered in coffee shops.. Fact: Did you know that the Curb Exchange has more drama than a soap opera? The only thing missing is the dramatic music when brokers walk into a room!.