JANUARY 16, 1935

Full News Archive

• Headline: Columbia Scientists Transmute Metal Elements. Impact: Little did they know that this transmutation would lead to a future where everyone would be trying to turn their old soda cans into gold, leading to an underground market for 'Aluminum Alchemists'.. Fact: Did you know that if you can turn lead into gold, you might as well start your own currency? Just don't tell the IRS!.
• Headline: Peru's Minister Resigns After Duel Challenge. Impact: This duel sparked a series of political resignations, eventually leading to a new trend where politicians would resolve disputes with karaoke battles instead of duels. Note: karaoke is still known to cause a few resignations.. Fact: Did you know that resigning after a duel is actually a very old form of job security? Just ask any medieval knight..
• Headline: The Pawns of Human History. Impact: This headline is a chilling reminder that if we don't pay attention, our lives could be manipulated like chess pieces, leading to a future where humans are literally playing themselves in a game of life.. Fact: Fun fact: if you ever feel like a pawn, just remember—at least you can become a queen if you make it to the other side!.
• Headline: Lodging House Gets Private Barber Chair That Whalen Used in Days of Police Glory. Impact: This seemingly innocent barber chair eventually became a tourist attraction, where people would come to sit in the 'Chair of Justice' and reminisce about a time when police were actually respected. Spoiler: it didn't last.. Fact: Did you know that every great story starts in a barber chair? Well, at least that's what the barber keeps telling me while I try to escape!.
• Headline: WOMAN FOUND DEAD IN GALE ON BEACH; Frozen Body of Movie Actor's Ex-Wife Lying on Coat Near Water's Edge in Brooklyn.. Impact: This tragic event triggered a media frenzy, leading to the creation of beach safety regulations that still exist today, proving that sometimes the worst tragedies lead to the best intentions.. Fact: It's a sad fact that tragic stories like this often overshadow the lives of those who are left behind. Always check on your friends, especially the ones who might be exes of famous people..
• Headline: Leacock Gets Twain Medal.. Impact: This award set a precedent for future authors, leading to a world where writers are more concerned about winning medals than actually writing good stories. The true tragedy? The stories still get published.. Fact: Did you know that Mark Twain once said, 'The secret of getting ahead is getting started'? It’s too bad he wasn’t around to see how many awards that advice could win!.
• Headline: BUTLERS' BALL LETS BARS DOWN TONIGHT; All Servants and Even Tradespersons Invited to Attend 'More Democratic' Fete.. Impact: This event sparked a revolution in social gatherings, leading to a future where no one knows their place and butlers are now expected to dance the Macarena with the guests. What a downgrade!. Fact: Did you know that back in the day, butlers had to be so formal they couldn't even smile? Guess they’ve finally found their dance moves!.
• Headline: AIR SPEED TEST TODAY.; Mrs. Wilson to Be Passenger on New Orleans Flight.. Impact: This flight marked the beginning of a new era of air travel, leading to a future where ‘turbulence’ became synonymous with ‘free entertainment’ as flight attendants struggled to keep the drinks from spilling.. Fact: Did you know that flying used to be a luxury? Now it's just a game of who can fit their carry-on in the overhead bin without starting a war..