DECEMBER 9, 1934

Full News Archive

• Headline: The Story of Mike the Cat. Impact: In a bizarre twist of fate, Mike the Cat's fame launched a feline revolution that resulted in cats being elected as the new leaders of several small nations, all while ignoring their human subjects.. Fact: Did you know that Mike the Cat was also a secret agent for the CIA? Just kidding—he just sat around looking cute..
• Headline: Deer Hunting in Rural Farms. Impact: D. McKay's deer shooting escapades led to an unprecedented deer uprising, where deer have since formed a union demanding respect and better living conditions—probably while munching on your garden.. Fact: Did you know that shooting deer among cows is the latest trend in farm-to-table dining? Just kidding, please don’t try that..
• Headline: Havelock Ellis' 'My Confessional' Release. Impact: Havelock Ellis's essays inspired a generation to open up about their feelings, leading to the first-ever global therapy session in 1930, which, incidentally, resulted in a worldwide shortage of tissues.. Fact: Did you know that Havelock Ellis once tried to confess to a goldfish? The fish just swam away..
• Headline: Lacrosse, Football Tactics Help Princeton Defeat Vassar at Field Hockey by 5 to 2. Impact: The victory over Vassar in field hockey led to a long-standing rivalry between the two schools, culminating in an annual event where they throw tomatoes at each other instead of playing sports.. Fact: Did you know that field hockey is basically just a violent dance-off with sticks? Who knew athleticism could look so much like a musical?.
• Headline: INDIA'S VIVID CAVALCADE; After a Glamourous, Turbulent Past and Dreary Centuries of Frustration a Troubled Land Tries a New Course. Impact: India's constitution granting sparked a wave of democratic movements worldwide, culminating in a global 'Constitutional Dance-Off' where nations showcased their governance styles through interpretive dance.. Fact: Did you know that India’s past was so turbulent that even its history books get dizzy trying to keep up?.
• Headline: CASCADE AT CORNELL DAM.; Lakes Overflowing the Spill Make a Rare Sight for December.. Impact: The overflowing lakes at Cornell Dam inspired a group of enthusiastic engineers to invent the world's largest water balloon, which was, unsurprisingly, a colossal failure during the first test.. Fact: Did you know that overflowing lakes are nature's way of saying, 'Surprise! You thought you were safe from floods?'.
• Headline: CHILD REFUGEES AIDED.; Bazaar Is Opened to Raise Funds for Victims of Nazis.. Impact: The bazaar for child refugees became a global sensation, eventually leading to a new trend where every charitable event must include cute animals and overpriced baked goods.. Fact: Did you know that fundraisers have now become more about the Instagram photos than the actual cause? Just a thought!.
• Headline: RAIL LABOR CHIEF FOR EASTMAN PLAN; D.B. Robertson, Brotherhood President, Favors Unified System of Transport.. Impact: D.B. Robertson's support for transport unification led to a time when trains and buses started competing for passengers, resulting in the world's first and only 'Transport Hunger Games'.. Fact: Did you know that 'unified transport system' is just code for 'let’s confuse everyone about how to get anywhere'?.
• Headline: Duke Alumni to Celebrate.. Impact: Duke alumni's celebrations inadvertently turned into a contest of who could tell the most embarrassing college stories, leading to a series of memoirs that almost broke the internet.. Fact: Did you know that alumni celebrations often end with everyone forgetting why they graduated in the first place? It’s like a reunion, but with more regret..
• Headline: ANTARCTIC PEAKS APPEAR VOLCANIC; Paul Siple Reports to Byrd Some Are Suggestive of Extinct Cones. SURVEY PARTY RETURNING Starts Back to Little America After 55 Days Out -- Plane Ready for Exploring Trip.. Impact: Paul Siple's report on volcanic peaks in Antarctica triggered a massive influx of tourists, who soon learned that 'extinct cones' means 'don't try to climb those, you might die.'. Fact: Did you know that Antarctica is the only continent where you can simultaneously freeze your butt off and melt your heart with the beauty? Nature, you trickster!.