DECEMBER 6, 1934

Full News Archive

• Headline: Search for Missing Australian Fliers. Impact: In a shocking twist, the absence of these fliers led to the invention of the 'Overshot' navigation app, which ironically still can't help you find your way out of a paper bag.. Fact: Did you know that if these fliers had actually made it, we might have had a Hawaiian Airlines monopoly by now? Instead, we just got a lot of confused swimmers..
• Headline: Mayor's Reception Room Barrier Construction. Impact: This barrier inadvertently inspired future mayors to build actual walls, leading to the great 'Reception Room Wall' debates of the 21st century. Thanks, Mayor!. Fact: Did you know that this barrier was just a fancy way of saying, 'Keep out, I’m too busy plotting my next election strategy'?.
• Headline: Job Insurance Funding Recommendation. Impact: By denying federal job insurance, this decision led to a nationwide surge in job creation—specifically, jobs in creating sad memes about unemployment.. Fact: Did you know that the only thing less secure than job insurance in 1930s America was your future after voting for these guys?.
• Headline: Marymount to Celebrate.. Impact: This seemingly innocuous celebration led to an annual tradition of mandatory cake consumption, which is now a key factor in the obesity epidemic among Marymount alumni.. Fact: Did you know that the original plan for this celebration was just a casual tea party? But then someone suggested cake, and history was forever changed..
• Headline: Jersey Delegation Will Fight.. Impact: The Jersey Delegation's fighting spirit sparked a nationwide trend of delegations getting into heated debates over absolutely nothing—truly the birth of modern politics.. Fact: Did you know that 'fighting' in Jersey is mostly just a euphemism for shouting loudly at each other while gesturing wildly? Quite the art form..
• Headline: BROOKLYN BOY WINS SCHOOL POSTER PRIZE; Work of Erasmus Hall Student Praised by Judges as Achievement in Simplicity.. Impact: This simple poster victory inspired countless students to realize that sometimes less is more—except when it comes to social media posts, where more is definitely more.. Fact: Did you know that this boy’s poster was so simplistic that it was just a blank sheet of paper? The judges were just too polite to say it..
• Headline: Washington to Study Pact.. Impact: This decision to study the pact led to a lengthy debate that eventually resulted in a new series of 'Pact Studies' courses—contributing to the alarming rise of students with degrees in 20th-century treaties.. Fact: Did you know that studying pacts is basically just reading the fine print of a contract no one really cares about? Welcome to academia!.
• Headline: BRITISH TO QUESTION BAN ON NEW YORKER; Reason for Forcing Writer to Return Here Will Be Asked in House of Commons.. Impact: This ban ignited a transatlantic debate that ultimately led to the creation of the 'New Yorker' magazine's infamous 'British Edition'—which was just a series of sarcastic replies to British complaints.. Fact: Did you know that the British Parliament has a dedicated team for questioning all things New York? They call it 'The Committee for Overly Complicated Tea Time'..
• Headline: CUBAN PRESIDENT OFFERS TO RESIGN; Mendieta Is Ready to Step Down if Political Groups Can Agree on Successor. HIS REPLY TO CRITICISM Agreement on New Executive by Diverse Factions Held Almost Impossible. CUBAN PRESIDENT OFFERS TO RESIGN. Impact: This resignation offer sent shockwaves through the political landscape, leading to a reality TV show where political factions battled it out for the presidency—The Real Politicians of Cuba.. Fact: Did you know that the difficulty in finding a successor was so great that they should have just held a lottery? At least that would have been entertaining..