NOVEMBER 9, 1934

Full News Archive

• Headline: Altar Vessels Disappeared from Staten Island Church. Impact: The theft of these altar vessels set off a chain reaction of increasingly bizarre thefts, eventually leading to a black market for holy relics that somehow involved a reality TV show. 'Holy Heist' became a cult classic.. Fact: Did you know that stealing from a church is considered a 'holy' crime? Just kidding, it's still very much illegal..
• Headline: NRA Ruling on Used Car Prices. Impact: This ruling led to a bizarre future where used car salesmen became the most trusted advisors in America, resulting in an entire generation of people who think 'certified pre-owned' means 'totally not a lemon.'. Fact: Fun fact: 'NRA' now stands for National Rifle Association, but back then it was just a bunch of folks trying to keep used car prices from going to the moon. Irony, much?.
• Headline: Kelly-Springfield Tire Company Crisis. Impact: The downfall of Kelly-Springfield sparked a revolution in the tire industry, leading to the birth of eco-friendly tires that are made from recycled unicorn horns. Because, why not?. Fact: Did you know that 'receivership' sounds like a medical condition but is actually just a fancy way of saying, 'we're broke'?.
• Headline: H.S. Gibson Sails for Home.. Impact: This seemingly mundane voyage started a trend of people feeling the need to announce their vacations on social media, leading to the rise of 'influencers' and the eventual downfall of our attention spans.. Fact: Did you know that H.S. Gibson's ship probably had a better travel plan than most of us do when we go on vacation? Just saying..
• Headline: PLACE WHITE HOUSE BOOKS; Roosevelts Will Make Library in Basement Open to Public.. Impact: The idea of a public library in the White House inspired a future where people thought borrowing books from a place where laws are made was a good idea. Who knew knowledge could be so... presidential?. Fact: The White House basement library probably has more drama than a soap opera. Imagine the bookshelves gossiping about which president checked out the most cookbooks!.
• Headline: DEMOCRATS IN CITY LAY PLANS FOR 1937; Taylor Is Spearhead of Drive to Recapture Control With Efficiency as Slogan. HE SWINGS $80,000 JOBS Believing Lehman Will Retire, Leaders Groom Aspirants -- Farley Already Mentioned.. Impact: This plan to regain control set off a chain of political maneuvering that eventually led to the infamous 'Great Political Game Show,' where candidates competed for votes instead of ideas.. Fact: Efficiency as a slogan? That's rich. In politics, efficiency is about as common as a cat that doesn't knock things off the counter..
• Headline: EMPLOYERS DEFY BUILDING UNIONS ON PAY AND HOURS; Conference Votes to Resist All Demands Here After Plea to Roosevelt Fails. CONFLICT IS PREDICTED Numerous Worker Groups Are Planning Fights -- Question of Costs Is Raised. EMPLOYERS DEFY BUILDING UNIONS. Impact: This defiance sparked a series of labor movements that eventually led to the invention of 'office chairs designed for maximum discomfort' as a form of protest. Progress?. Fact: Employers resisting unions is like a toddler refusing to share their toys. Spoiler: everyone ends up unhappy and no one gets what they want..