NOVEMBER 6, 1934

Full News Archive

• Headline: Treasury's Silver and Gold Surge. Impact: This massive influx of precious metals led to a spike in jewelry sales, causing an unforeseen rise in 80s fashion trends. Yes, blame the 80s on gold and silver receipts!. Fact: Did you know that the price of gold is often more volatile than your average soap opera plot? Buckle up!.
• Headline: France Pursues Trade with Soviet Union. Impact: This trade delegation inadvertently sparked a new wave of French-Russian fusion cuisine. Croissant borscht, anyone?. Fact: Fun fact: The French and Soviets have been trading ideas since before it was cool. Now, if only they could trade good weather..
• Headline: Socony-Vacuum Gas Price Increase. Impact: This price hike led to Americans discovering the joys of public transportation—at least until gas prices dropped again and they forgot all about it.. Fact: Did you know that 'Socony-Vacuum' sounds like a fancy name for a vacuum cleaner? But alas, it just sucks money from your wallet instead..
• Headline: SUFFOLK LEADERS SEE RECORD VOTE; Both Sides Estimate More Than 60,000 Ballots Will Be Cast There Today. FIGHT FOR SHERIFF KEEN Macy Predicts a Republican Landslide -- Sullivan Says Democrats Will 'Surprise.'. Impact: The intense rivalry in Suffolk County led to the creation of the first 'Political Reality Show,' where candidates competed in absurd challenges like pie-eating contests.. Fact: Did you know that the only thing more predictable than local election predictions is the ensuing disappointment when the results come in?.
• Headline: QUEBEC PENALIZES NEWSPRINT MILLS; Province Raises Stumpage Dues on St. Lawrence Paper for Low Contract Price.. Impact: This decision resulted in a surge of underground paper mills, inadvertently sparking a black market for newsprint that made even the mafia jealous.. Fact: Did you know that raising stumpage dues is about as popular as a porcupine at a balloon party? Yeah, not a great idea..
• Headline: SOCIALISTS APPEAL TO LIBERAL VOTERS; Thomas Tells Students That a Ballot for the New Deal Would Be One of 'Fear.' SOLOMON FOR NEW PARTY Nation Needs a 'Mass Political' Group to Combat the Old Ones in 1936, He Finds.. Impact: This appeal led to the creation of a secret society of students who wore berets and discussed Marx over lattes, ultimately pushing the boundaries of hipster culture.. Fact: Did you know that 'mass political group' is just another way of saying 'let's all argue over coffee and pretend we're changing the world'?.
• Headline: FEWER INDICTED IN VOTING FRAUDS; Total of 344 Reported After Grand Jury Acts -- Lowest Number in Years.. Impact: This decrease in indictments caused a brief but intense existential crisis among conspiracy theorists, who suddenly had to find other things to be paranoid about.. Fact: Did you know that voting fraud conspiracies are like bad sitcoms? They just keep coming back season after season!.
• Headline: 100,000 Parents Attend 'Open School Week' Here. Impact: This massive turnout inadvertently led to a new trend where parents began to think they're qualified to give educational advice, resulting in a bizarre rise in 'parent-led' school boards.. Fact: Did you know that 'Open School Week' is also when teachers get to see just how many parents have no idea what their kids actually do in class? It’s like reality TV, but more educational!.