OCTOBER 30, 1934

Full News Archive

• Headline: President Tackles Budget Crisis Again. Impact: This riveting budget discussion led to the invention of the 'Budgetary Black Hole', a place where all government funds mysteriously vanish, only to reappear during election season, startling everyone involved.. Fact: Did you know that budget discussions are basically the adult version of 'let's just see what happens'? Spoiler alert: it usually involves more taxes!.
• Headline: Waste Paper Protest on Wall Street. Impact: The protest against waste paper sparked a revolution in recycling that eventually resulted in hipster coffee shops serving beverages in reclaimed paper cups. Who knew saving the planet would begin with a parade of trash?. Fact: Fun fact: Waste paper has feelings too. Just ask the discarded receipts lying under your couch!.
• Headline: Ferry Line Protest in Yorkville, 1934. Impact: This delay in ferry service led to an underground movement of merchants training squirrels to deliver goods, inadvertently creating a thriving rodent economy that still operates today.. Fact: Did you know that if you train a squirrel well enough, it might just become your best delivery service? Just don’t forget to pay them in nuts!.
• Headline: 13 ARE REINSTATED AT CITY COLLEGE; Half of Those Suspended After Anti-Fascist Row Decide to Answer Dean's Questions.. Impact: The reinstatement of these students marked the beginning of a long-standing tradition of academic protests that eventually evolved into the modern-day college student’s favorite pastime: complaining.. Fact: Did you know that 'anti-fascist row' is just a fancy term for college students arguing over who gets to keep the last slice of pizza in the dorm?.
• Headline: PLANS AT LAWRENCEVILLE.; A. V. Heely, New Headmaster, to Be Installed on Thanksgiving Day.. Impact: The installation of a new headmaster on Thanksgiving Day led to a tradition where everyone gets a little too thankful for their time off until they realize they have to return to school and all those 'fun' responsibilities.. Fact: Fun fact: Thanksgiving was originally meant to give thanks for the harvest, but has since turned into a culinary marathon where the only thing harvested is regret for eating too much pie..
• Headline: A New York-Manila Race.. Impact: This air race concept launched an obsession with racing anything that flies, leading to the creation of the world's first 'Flying Tortoise' race, which was, unsurprisingly, a complete flop.. Fact: Did you know that if you race a tortoise, you will always win? The trick is to not take a nap while waiting for them to cross the finish line!.
• Headline: ILLINOIS ARTIST WINS WATER-COLOR MEDAL; LaForce Bailey Gets Society Award for His Painting, 'Afternoon Excursion.'. Impact: This artist's win led to a sudden spike in water-color painting classes, which then devolved into a wave of 'modern art' where splashes of paint and a canvas were considered masterpieces.. Fact: Fun fact: Water-color painting is the only art form where you can accidentally create something beautiful while intending to paint a potato..
• Headline: COLUMBIA EDITOR DENOUNCES POLL; He Holds Senior Questionnaire on The Spectator's Policies Is 'Crudely Unfair.' SEES 'RED SCARE' REVIVED Assailing Wording of Queries, He Says Paper's 'Vigor and Frankness' Will Stay.. Impact: The editor’s denunciation set off a chain reaction of student protests that ultimately led to the creation of the 'Student Newspaper of Whining', where complaints became the main headline.. Fact: Did you know that surveys are just a fancy way for people to say 'We care about your opinion' while secretly throwing them in the trash?.
• Headline: LOANS TO STUDENTS WANE AT COLUMBIA; Evidence of Recovery is Seen in the Fewer Requests for Aid From $700,000 Fund. $150,000 OUTLAY IN VIEW Total Last Year Was $183,000 for 974 Applicants -- 97% of Sum Used for Tuition.. Impact: The waning loans at Columbia sparked a financial crisis among local pizza shops, as students could no longer afford pizza parties, leading to a national shortage of pepperoni.. Fact: Fun fact: College students are the only people who can be both broke and still manage to have a Netflix subscription. Priorities, right?.