OCTOBER 28, 1934

Full News Archive

• Headline: Germany's Push for Ersatz Materials in 1934. Impact: If Germany hadn't started pushing for substitutes, we might still be wearing woolen parachutes or drinking synthetic oil in our lattes. Thanks to this, we got a plethora of bizarre materials that eventually led to the invention of the inflatable garden gnome. Fact: Did you know 'ersatz' is German for 'replacement'? It’s also how you’ll feel when you realize that your favorite snack is just a cheap imitation.
• Headline: Lewis Tops 45 Gunners in Shoot. Impact: Lewis's marksmanship led to a nationwide obsession with shooting contests, ultimately inspiring the bizarre 2035 Olympic event: Extreme Darts, where competitors shoot at inflatable targets while riding unicycles. Fact: Fun fact: Shooting competitions have existed since the 16th century, proving that humans enjoy aiming things at stuff long before video games made it socially acceptable.
• Headline: Siamese Monarch’s Abdication in 1934. Impact: Prajadhipok's abdication set off a series of political shifts in Thailand, eventually leading to the rise of a reality TV show about a king’s dysfunctional family. Who knew monarchy could be so entertaining?. Fact: Prajadhipok was the last absolute monarch of Thailand. After him, they decided to give the throne a little less drama and a bit more democracy.
• Headline: CANNING INTERESTS PUSH LABEL FIGHT; Prepared to Raise Large Fund for Court Action if A-B-C Terms Are Adopted. WANT DESCRIPTIVE RULES Distributers Say Alphabetical Grades Would Be Confusing to Retail Buyers.. Impact: The canning industry's fight against alphabetical grading led to a massive rise in confusion at grocery stores. Ever since, shoppers have been left wondering if 'B' means 'better' or 'baffling'. Fact: If only the canning interests had known that consumers actually prefer their labels to be as confusing as possible—thank you, modern nutritional facts!.
• Headline: TO ACT ON INSURANCE.; Other Groups Expected to Follow Example of Retail Association.. Impact: Insurance companies took this as a cue to create a plethora of policies, leading to the creation of the world’s first 'Alien Abduction Insurance'. Because who doesn’t want to be compensated for being probed?. Fact: Insurance is the only industry where you pay someone to make sure you don’t have to pay them in the event of a disaster. Sounds like a con job, right?.
• Headline: Sailors Mark Navy Day Ashore in Canal Zone. Impact: The celebration of Navy Day led to an unanticipated increase in local bar revenues and an ongoing rivalry between sailors and local wildlife. Rumor has it a parrot was named Admiral after winning a drinking contest. Fact: Navy Day was established to honor the naval force, but let’s be real—it’s just an excuse for sailors to party ashore without the ship's captain breathing down their necks.
• Headline: BEAGLE TRIAL WON BY WHITE'S ENTRY; Deal's Nellie Placed First in the All-Age Stakes for 13-Inch Bitches.. Impact: Winning beagle trials contributed to the rise of dog shows, which inadvertently convinced humans that dressing their pets in ridiculous outfits was a good idea. Thanks, Deal’s Nellie!. Fact: Beagles were originally bred for hunting, but now they're more likely to be found strutting around in bow ties than chasing rabbits. Progress?.
• Headline: Ask Mark of Origin on Bottles.. Impact: This initiative to enforce the marking of origin on bottles led to the establishment of the most confusing wine labels imaginable. Sommelier training now includes deciphering hieroglyphics. Fact: Marking the origin of wine is like putting a label on your favorite donut. Everyone wants to know where it came from, but deep down, they just want to eat it.
• Headline: TIBBETT URGES RADIO SINGERS TO INCLUDE MORE ENGLISH LYRICS. Impact: This call for English lyrics led to a complete revolution in radio, paving the way for bad karaoke nights worldwide. Thanks, Tibbett, for making us endure our friends' renditions of 'Bohemian Rhapsody'. Fact: Tibbett's plea was the beginning of a glorious era where everyone could understand the heartbreak in the songs—just in time for the invention of the mixtape.