OCTOBER 17, 1934

Full News Archive

• Headline: Ickes Defends Against Roosevelt's Critics. Impact: Ickes's comment about Roosevelt being an 'expert at selling out' created a ripple effect that led to a secret society of politicians who mastered the art of saying one thing and doing another. They called themselves 'The Sellouts Club' and met weekly to share tips, ultimately resulting in an entire generation of voters who just couldn't tell if they were being duped or entertained. Fact: Did you know that the term 'sellout' was originally coined to describe politicians who sell their integrity for votes? Just kidding, it was actually about rock bands who sold out stadiums!.
• Headline: Committee Seeks Return of Wright Plane. Impact: The committee's request for Wright to return his plane marked the beginning of a long-standing tradition: every time someone borrowed a plane, it would eventually lead to someone else 'borrowing' a jet and claiming it as their own in the future, setting the stage for every sitcom plot involving stolen vehicles. Fact: Fun fact: the Wright brothers were so good at flying that they almost became the first people to get frequent flyer miles—too bad they didn't have a loyalty program back then!.
• Headline: Honoring Sports Icons at Newman School. Impact: Mahan and Fitzpatrick being honored at a dinner led to an unending cycle of athletic accolades, inspiring every high school to create meaningless trophies for 'Most Enthusiastic Player' and 'Best Water Boy', ensuring that every kid felt special—even if they couldn't run without tripping over their own shoelaces. Fact: Did you know that in 1935, the most exercise some kids got was running to the dinner table? Awards for participation were literally invented to make sure no one went home empty-handed!.
• Headline: Historic London Area to Be Transformed In Vast Plan for Widening Roads to Port. Impact: The grand plan to widen roads to the Port of London inadvertently set off an urban development craze, leading to the modern-day phenomenon where every city thinks they need to widen their roads at the expense of green spaces—because who needs parks when you can have more lanes for impatient drivers?. Fact: Did you know that road widening is a lot like trying to fix a traffic jam by adding more cars? Spoiler alert: it doesn't work!.
• Headline: WHISTLER ETCHINGS PLACED ON DISPLAY; Choice Lithographs Shown in Extensive Exhibition at the Knoedler Galleries. MARKING THE CENTENNIAL High Color Used in Fox Hunting Pastels of George Wright at Grand Central.. Impact: The display of Whistler etchings became the catalyst for the world's most pretentious art critics, who now spend their days debating the emotional resonance of a line versus a smudge, ultimately leading to a culture where people pretend to understand modern art while secretly just wanting to know when free wine is served. Fact: Did you know that Whistler's most famous piece was actually titled 'No, I Can’t Tell You What It Means, But It’s Worth a Million'? Just kidding—he didn't really say that, but wouldn't it be funny?.
• Headline: 95 GET COMMISSIONS IN PRINCETON R.O.T.C.; C. A. McKenney Jr., a Senior, Is Appointed Commander of the Field Artillery Unit.. Impact: The commissioning of 95 new officers in the Princeton R.O.T.C. program sparked a nationwide trend of universities trying to outdo each other, resulting in a bizarre reality show where college students compete for the title of 'Most Likely to Lead an Army'—the winner gets a fancy hat and a lifetime supply of ramen. Fact: Did you know that becoming an officer in the military is a lot like getting a job at Starbucks? You have to memorize a lot of rules, but in the end, you just want to make sure people don't burn their coffee—or their toast!.
• Headline: Ickes Denies New Book Is Timed for Election. Impact: Ickes's denial about the timing of his book release for the election set off a series of political PR disasters, leading to the modern-day art of politicians claiming they're not running for office while secretly greasing their palms for future campaigns—because honesty is overrated. Fact: Did you know that the phrase 'it's not about the election' is politician code for 'I'm totally running for office and you can't stop me'?.
• Headline: 500 School Jobs Asked.. Impact: The call for 500 school jobs became the spark that ignited the educational bureaucratic bonfire, leading to an endless cycle of hiring freezes and budget cuts that would later inspire everyone to consider teaching as a side gig—because who needs stability when you can have a 401K?. Fact: Did you know that asking for more school jobs is basically the adult version of asking for more candy? Everyone knows it’s not good for you, but the cravings are real!.
• Headline: MRS. CANTACUZENE TO SUE FOR DIVORCE; Former Princess on Way to Florida Where She Is Expected to File Action.. Impact: Mrs. Cantacuzene's divorce filing became a landmark case, inspiring countless royal family members to consider divorce as just another way to spice up their otherwise mundane lives, resulting in a reality show called 'Real Housewives of the Royal Family'—because who doesn't love scandal?. Fact: Did you know that the phrase 'til death do us part' was actually invented to keep the royal family from getting bored? Spoiler alert: it didn’t work!.