SEPTEMBER 11, 1934

Full News Archive

• Headline: Germany Honors Payne with Red Cross Award. Impact: Payne's decoration inadvertently inspires a new line of German poetry about heroic Red Cross workers, which leads to a bizarre trend in fashion where people start wearing bandages as accessories. This trend somehow influences the future of runway shows, where models strut down the catwalk wrapped in gauze.. Fact: Did you know that the Red Cross was originally just a really ambitious picnic planning committee? Turns out, they planned to save lives instead..
• Headline: Arizona Astronomer Discovers Super-Galaxy. Impact: Dr. Carpenter’s discovery leads to a surge in alien conspiracy theories, resulting in a nationwide craze for tinfoil hats, which ironically protects many people from actual brain freezes caused by cold drinks.. Fact: Did you know that Dr. E.F. Carpenter once tried to convince his cat that it was part of a super-galaxy too? The cat remains skeptical..
• Headline: HULL CHALLENGES ARMS TESTIMONY; Aide at Hearing Denies That He Advised a Court Fight on Chaco Embargo.. Impact: Hull’s challenge creates a ripple effect that leads to an unforeseen increase in legal jargon in everyday conversations. Suddenly, everyone thinks they're a lawyer and starts giving unsolicited legal advice at family gatherings.. Fact: Did you know that Hull’s aide thought 'Chaco' was just a fancy new taco? They were disappointed to find it was a legal term instead..
• Headline: GOV. BRANN WINS IN MAINE ELECTION; DRY LAW REPEALED; Victory Is Conceded to Democratic Executive, Who Was Fought on New Deal Issue. SENATOR HALE IS AHEAD He Is Leading Dubord by Over 5,000 -- End of Prohibition Is Voted, 3 to 2. CONGRESS FIGHTS SHARP Beedy May Lose Republican Seat -- Moran and Utterback Trail on Democratic Side. GOV. BRANN WINS IN MAINE ELECTION. Impact: The repeal of Prohibition in Maine leads to a proliferation of speakeasies that somehow turn into hipster coffee shops a century later, where the only illegal activity is discussing how much better coffee was in the 'good old days.'. Fact: Here's a shocker: the end of Prohibition didn’t mean the end of bad decisions in bars. They just switched from bathtub gin to overpriced cocktails..
• Headline: VICE INQUIRY ORDERED BY COURT IN CAMDEN; Action Follows Suspension of 12 Policemen in Connection With Detective Shooting.. Impact: The inquiry leads to an unexpected rise in detective shows in popular culture, inspiring countless people to think they can solve crimes in their spare time, even if it just involves binge-watching TV.. Fact: Did you know that the only thing more complicated than a police inquiry is trying to explain it to your grandmother? Good luck with that!.
• Headline: CRITICS IN YACHTS' AROUSE HOPKINS; He Says Some Comment From 'Comfortable Chairs' Is Sabotage of Relief. DENIES WIDE DECEPTION Fakers Are Being Weeded Out, He Asserts, and Endorses Prosecutions.. Impact: Hopkins’s response to critics inspires a future generation of politicians to just shrug off any negative feedback while lounging on yachts, furthering the stereotype of politicians being out of touch. Thanks for the cliché!. Fact: Did you know that sitting in a comfortable chair and criticizing things is actually a sport? It's called 'armchair activism' and requires zero effort!.