SEPTEMBER 10, 1934

Full News Archive

• Headline: Constitution Day Proclamation 1934. Impact: This proclamation sparked a nationwide obsession with reading the Constitution at awkward family gatherings. As a result, Thanksgiving dinners became less about turkey and more about debating the Bill of Rights, leading to a 50% increase in awkward silences. Fact: Ironically, many people still think the Constitution is just a fancy name for the document that allows them to carry a pet rock in their pocket.
• Headline: Puerto Rican Education Shifts to Spanish. Impact: Dr. J. Padin's decision to shift to Spanish education inadvertently led to a nationwide crisis in the English language, resulting in the creation of a new dialect: Spanglish-tion. This dialect became the official language of hipsters everywhere. Fact: Interestingly, the New Deal was initially proposed to be called the New Meal, but FDR was too hungry to care about branding.
• Headline: ARMY RECTORY DEDICATED; Cardinal Hayes, Who Officiates, Praises West Point Ideals.. Impact: The dedication of the Army rectory at West Point solidified the institution as a breeding ground for future decision-makers, leading to a long line of generals who believed that yelling at subordinates was a form of leadership training. Fact: The chapel was built so that cadets could pray for divine intervention during their exams, which ironically were just as difficult as a military campaign.
• Headline: Revised List of the Dead and Missing. Impact: The revised list of the dead and missing became a somber reminder of the fragility of life, ultimately leading to the invention of the 'Missing Person's Reality Show,' where contestants competed to find the most absurd reasons for someone to be missing. Fact: This list is considered the precursor to social media, where everyone is 'missing' from the real world but very present online.
• Headline: TITLE TO MISS PEDERSEN.; Beats Miss Doeg, 1-6, 7-5, 6-1, In Girls' U.S. Tennis Finals.. Impact: Miss Pedersen's victory established her as a tennis icon, sparking a trend of competitive sport where athletes would wear increasingly ridiculous outfits to distract their opponents. This led to the rise of 'fashion sports' in the Olympics. Fact: Miss Pedersen's victory was celebrated in a way that made the Oscars look like a community bake sale.
• Headline: State to Vote on Repeal.. Impact: The state's decision to vote on repeal initiated a chain reaction of public dissatisfaction that would eventually lead to the invention of reality TV, as people sought to escape their boring political realities by watching others argue over much less important issues. Fact: Voting on repeals is often considered the adult equivalent of deciding whether to take the last cookie from the jar—everyone wants to, but nobody wants to admit it.