SEPTEMBER 7, 1934

Full News Archive

• Headline: Mysterious Front Page Incident. Impact: The mysterious 'Front Page 3' attendance sparked an underground movement where ordinary people began to gather in front of newspapers, believing that their mere presence could alter headlines. This eventually led to the global phenomenon of 'headline watching' as a competitive sport.. Fact: Did you know that the term 'headline' originally referred to the practice of shouting news at the town square? Yeah, that was before social media turned us all into headline-reading zombies..
• Headline: Long Mobilizes Troops Amid New Orleans Tensions. Impact: The mobilization of troops by Long caused a series of events that resulted in the establishment of a bizarre 'political bingo' game where people could bet on which senator would get arrested next. It became the hottest new trend, leading to an explosion in bingo parlors nationwide.. Fact: Fun fact: The only thing more confusing than the political landscape of New Orleans at the time was my Aunt Edna's bingo strategies. Seriously, it was a whole thing..
• Headline: Council of League Reconvenes Amidst Tensions. Impact: The League Council's reconvening led to a surprising twist: a secret society of diplomats began to gather to discuss the 'Saar, Chaco, and Soviet' cocktail. This drink was so potent that it caused its own international incident when someone brought it to a UN meeting.. Fact: Did you know that the Saar region is actually home to more wine than political decisions? I guess someone had to keep things interesting!.
• Headline: BOOKS OF THE TIMES. Impact: Dahlberg's book 'Those Who Perish' inspired a cult following, leading to an underground book club that only discussed tragic endings. This club eventually morphed into a support group for people who couldn't handle happy endings.. Fact: In a twist of fate, the book's popularity led to the invention of the 'sad book' genre. Who knew being miserable could be so marketable?.
• Headline: HEARNS OPENED BY SMITH.; He Cuts Ribbon Admitting Crowd to Buy Under New Policy.. Impact: The grand opening of Smith's store under a new policy sparked a nationwide trend of overly elaborate ribbon-cutting ceremonies. By 2025, cutting a ribbon had become an Olympic sport, complete with judges and scorecards.. Fact: Did you know that cutting ribbons is a time-honored tradition that dates back to when people just wanted an excuse to gather and eat cake? Spoiler: they still do..
• Headline: DILLINGER LAWYER AND AIDES INDICTED; Piquett Bond Set for $50,000 and Two Plastic Surgeons Are Held in $25,000.. Impact: The indictment of Dillinger's lawyer led to a bizarre twist in legal history where defense attorneys started forming their own rock bands, claiming that the 'power of music' could sway juries. This led to a rise in 'legal rock' as a genre.. Fact: Ever heard of the phrase 'innocent until proven guilty'? Well, it turns out it only applies to rock bands—everyone else is automatically guilty of bad taste!.
• Headline: RUSS COLUIV]B____O FUNERAL.; 1 Services Held in Hollywood Church I for /Radio Singer. I. Impact: Russ Coluv's funeral became a gathering spot for aspiring radio singers, creating a trend of 'singing tributes' that turned every funeral into an open mic night. It was both touching and slightly awkward.. Fact: Fun fact: No one really knows what goes on at a funeral's open mic, but if you hear 'Free Bird,' it’s probably time to leave..
• Headline: OLD GUARD LEADERS UNITE TO WREST POWER FROM MACY; Committee of 300 Plans to Raise Own Campaign Fund -- Davison Named Head. WILL PUSH WADSWORTH Mills, Butler, Fearon, Snell and Mrs. Pratt Join Move -- Leader Fights 'Scheme.' OLD GUARD UNITES IN FIGHT ON MACY. Impact: The Old Guard's unification against Macy sparked a national 'Old Guard vs. New Guard' theme party trend that lasted for decades. Political rallies turned into costume parties, with everyone dressing up as their favorite historical figure.. Fact: Did you know that the 'Old Guard' was actually just a group of people who forgot to take their vitamins? Age is just a number, but it’s also a good excuse to complain about the youth..
• Headline: Crosses River on Water Skis.. Impact: W Friedrich's crossing of the Detroit River on water skis inadvertently inspired a new extreme sport: water-skiing across state lines. This led to the creation of competitive events where people tried to ski to avoid tolls.. Fact: Did you know that water skiing was originally invented so that people could escape awkward conversations on the beach? Now, it’s just another way to look ridiculous while trying to impress people..
• Headline: PHILOSOPHER URGES 'FASCIST COMMUNES'; Prof. Montague, in Prague, Says Democracies Should Create Groups to Give Work.. Impact: Professor Montague's push for 'fascist communes' caused a bizarre series of misunderstandings, with communes springing up that thought they were supposed to host communal potlucks. This led to the world's most unproductive meetings over potato salad.. Fact: Fun fact: The only thing that can unite a democracy faster than a good idea is a bad idea presented at a potluck. Trust me, I’ve seen it happen!.