SEPTEMBER 6, 1934

Full News Archive

• Headline: Tribute to General Dyer. Impact: General Dyer's legacy goes on to inspire countless history students, who will inevitably ask, 'Who was he again?'. This leads to a long, drawn-out debate about colonialism at every dinner party.. Fact: Dyer is most famous for his role in the Jallianwala Bagh massacre. So, you know, his tribute might come with a side of controversy..
• Headline: Exaltation of the Third-Rate. Impact: The exaltation of mediocrity leads to a world where everyone believes they can be a leader, resulting in a series of reality TV shows where contestants debate the meaning of liberty with the help of buzzwords and memes.. Fact: N. M. Butler's works are still revered today, largely because they remind people that third-rate opinions can still go viral..
• Headline: Opposition to Missionary Mission Cuts. Impact: The refusal to curtail missions eventually leads to a world where all missions expand uncontrollably, resulting in a very busy calendar for future historians trying to sort through all the paperwork.. Fact: The Board of Review has reviewed absolutely nothing of note since its inception, but hey, at least they have meetings..
• Headline: HooperTyrrell.. Impact: Hooper and Tyrrell's marriage sparks a series of 'who's who' in local gossip, eventually leading to a reality TV show where couples compete to outdo each other in ridiculous wedding proposals.. Fact: If you thought 'HooperTyrrell' was a new brand of energy drink, you’re not alone. It sounds like it could be, right?.
• Headline: Otis -- Forbes.. Impact: Otis and Forbes's engagement leads to a long line of increasingly bizarre celebrity engagements, where the public is forced to endure elaborate proposals on social media, setting the stage for future cringe-worthy content.. Fact: Engagements are basically just a fancy way of saying, 'We're not quite sure if we want to get married, but let's make it official for the gram.'.
• Headline: Clarke -- ewis.. Impact: The engagement of Clarke and Lewis leads to a family feud that will last generations, proving that love really does make people do crazy things—like argue over who gets to keep the cat.. Fact: Engagements have a 50% success rate—much like flipping a coin, but with way more drama..
• Headline: Germany Buys Dutch Hay.. Impact: Germany buying Dutch hay sets off a chain reaction that eventually leads to a global hay shortage, forcing farmers to develop a new strain of super hay that can withstand climate change, and suddenly, hay is the new gold.. Fact: This is the kind of economic news that makes you wish you had paid more attention in economics class. Who knew hay could be so important?.
• Headline: TROLLEYS TO VANISH ON 9 LINES IN CITY; Mayor Reveals Settlement of Suit Over Bus Franchises on New York Railway Route.. Impact: The transition from trolleys to buses marks the beginning of the end for charming public transportation, leading to endless debates about the merits of the 'good old days' while stuck in traffic behind a bus.. Fact: New Yorkers have a love-hate relationship with public transport, and this change just gave them more reasons to complain about it..
• Headline: White Motor Meeting Oct. 5.. Impact: The White Motor meeting postponement leads to a series of increasingly absurd corporate meetings where attendees argue whether or not to schedule another meeting to discuss the concept of meetings.. Fact: Postponed meetings have become the modern equivalent of a 'rain date'—only nobody's ever really that excited about it..