AUGUST 29, 1934

Full News Archive

• Headline: New Orleans Continental Guard Revival. Impact: The revival of the Continental Guard sparked a series of events leading to a bizarre twist in American electoral politics, eventually resulting in the invention of the 'Vote or Die' slogan. Ironically, the real threat to clean elections turned out to be the introduction of electronic voting machines decades later.. Fact: The only thing cleaner than the elections they fought for might be your average teenager's room. Spoiler alert: it's not clean either..
• Headline: Judge Bonniwell's Wedding Announcement. Impact: Judge Bonniwell's marriage inadvertently set off a chain reaction of overzealous wedding planning across the country, leading to the invention of overpriced bridal magazines and the existence of 'bridezillas' as a concept.. Fact: Nothing says 'I love you' quite like a judge marrying someone with a last name that sounds like a fancy dessert. Was this a wedding or a recipe?.
• Headline: Dern Fights Sandy Hook State Park. Impact: His opposition to the state park led to a generation of outdoor enthusiasts who believed nature should be left untouched, thus paving the way for the 'Leave No Trace' movement... until they started leaving their trash everywhere.. Fact: Turns out, the biggest threat to harbor defense was people deciding to bring their picnic baskets to the beach instead of actual threats..
• Headline: REICH WOMEN DON NE 'WOOD CLOTH'; Shortage of Textiles Forces Wearing of 'Wool' Made by Chemical Processes. FRILLS ARE NOT BARRED Nazis' Fashion Chief Insists Germany Has Enough Raw Materials for Winter.. Impact: The introduction of 'wood cloth' inadvertently led to a global obsession with sustainable fashion, resulting in a future rife with hemp pants and awkward conversations at parties about renewable resources.. Fact: Imagine wearing a fabric that smells like a lumberyard and feels like a hug from a tree. Who knew the Nazis were so ahead of their time in fashion?.
• Headline: Mayor Talks to Workers On Tax Dodgers Today. Impact: The mayor's speech about tax dodgers inspired a future generation to find creative loopholes, ultimately leading to the rise of accountants who are practically magicians at making money disappear.. Fact: It's always the tax dodgers that ruin it for everyone else—like that one friend who orders a huge meal and then only pays for their drink..
• Headline: STOCKBRIDGE EXHIBIT WILL OPEN ON SEPT. 8; Three Prizes for Best Art Will Be Given by Mrs. Carl A. de Gersdorff.. Impact: Mrs. de Gersdorff's decision to award prizes for art inadvertently initiated the trend of pretentious art competitions, which later evolved into social media influencers pretending to be artists.. Fact: Art prizes are like participation trophies for adults—because nothing says 'I appreciate creativity' like a shiny award that costs more than the artwork itself..
• Headline: UNITE IN EROSION FIGHT.; 18 Jersey Communities Will Ask $5,000,000 Federal Aid for Coast.. Impact: The call for federal aid transformed into a national movement for coastal preservation, leading to endless debates about climate change—because nothing says 'we care' like arguing on Twitter.. Fact: If you think Jersey Shore is all about tanning, think again. It's really just a meticulous battle against erosion while trying not to step on a beachgoer's toes..
• Headline: STATE LABOR SEEKS WORK INSURANCE; Buffalo Convention Will Ask 'Unequivocal' Stand by Political Parties on Subject. WILL URGE 30-HOUR WEEK Bray, Andrews Endorse Job Insurance -- Latter Suggests Compensation Act Change.. Impact: The push for labor rights led to a future where workers would eventually demand four-day work weeks and unlimited vacation days—because why work five days when you can accomplish the same amount in four?. Fact: Spoiler alert: political parties are still trying to come up with their unequivocal stance on everything, including what to have for lunch..
• Headline: NEW DEAL IS CONDEMNED.; It Is Blamed for Repudiating Debts and Setting Up a Dictator.. Impact: The condemnation of the New Deal eventually spiraled into a divided nation that questioned the very foundation of government intervention, leading to future debates over universal healthcare and the existence of avocado toast.. Fact: The only thing worse than a bad deal is a bad deal that has its own hashtag. #NewDealProblems.
• Headline: WARNS OF PERILS IN NEW WORLD WAR; Rev. L.K. Patterson Tells Jesuits Wrong Kind of Nationalism Breeds Conflict.. Impact: This warning foreshadowed the rise of nationalistic movements across the globe, leading to a series of conflicts that would be discussed in history classes while students pretend to be interested.. Fact: Nationalism: because sometimes it's just easier to blame other countries for your problems than to look in the mirror..