AUGUST 20, 1934

Full News Archive

• Headline: Testing MacArthur's Four-Army Plan. Impact: The successful testing of MacArthur's four-army plan led to a secret society of military planners who decided that 'more arms' meant 'more charm.' This eventually resulted in the invention of the tactical hug, which changed the face of warfare forever.. Fact: Fun fact: MacArthur's plan was actually inspired by a game of Risk he lost to his pet goldfish..
• Headline: Dr. Matthews' Call Against Grafters. Impact: Dr. Matthews' call to banish grafters set off a chain reaction leading to the creation of the Anti-Grafter League, which ironically became the most corrupt organization in history, proving that you can't escape human nature by just changing the names.. Fact: Grafters were so prevalent that they almost formed their own political party – the 'Party of Getting Things Done... For Us.'.
• Headline: EXPRESS ROAD LINK WILL OPEN AUG. 30; West Side Extension Finished Month Ahead of Time Set in Contract. TRAFFIC SNARLS ERASED Detour Is Eliminated in Trip From the Downtown End to Seventy-second Street.. Impact: The early completion of the express road link was so impressive that it led to the development of 'time travel traffic' – where people claim they can get anywhere faster by simply 'thinking' about it.. Fact: Traffic snarl-free roads are so rare that they are often mistaken for urban legends, like Bigfoot or reasonable politicians..
• Headline: SCARLET FEVER SCARE KEEPS ROYALTY HOME; British Princesses Not Guarded Against Kidnappers, Asserts Colonel Bowes-Lyon.. Impact: The scarlet fever scare prevented the princesses from being kidnapped, which ultimately led to a new royal fashion trend: the 'sickly chic' look, inspiring generations of overdramatic fashionistas.. Fact: Scarlet fever was so dramatic that it inspired a hit reality show 'Keeping Up with the Contagious,' which was canceled after just one season..
• Headline: SCHOOL FILMS AID 450,000 IN CITY; Miss Hochheimer Reports 45 Per Cent of Buildings Are Equipped for Movies. VISUAL TEACHING WIDENED Cinema Reform Drive Is Linked With Board's Policy for 'Learning by Seeing.'. Impact: The integration of school films into education led to a future where students learned more from YouTube than from textbooks, creating a generation of 'influencer historians.'. Fact: Visual teaching was initially met with resistance, as many teachers feared their jobs would be taken over by a projector named 'Mr. Flicks.'.
• Headline: ARCHITECT JOINS COLUMBIA STAFF; Ruhtenberg of Stockholm, Long Resident of Germany, to Direct Courses Here.. Impact: Ruhtenberg's appointment sparked a debate over architectural styles that would lead to an eventual war between modernists and traditionalists, resulting in a bizarre trend of buildings wearing hats.. Fact: Columbia's architecture program has a long history of producing graduates who build everything except what they originally intended..
• Headline: NO 'PREMEDITATED' CHARTER.; New Commission, It Is Held, Should Evolve Document in Private.. Impact: The controversy over the charter revision became a blueprint for future bureaucratic debates, leading to an entire sub-genre of literature known as 'Bureaucratic Fiction' – incredibly dull but oddly comforting.. Fact: The phrase 'premeditated charter' was coined after a particularly boring meeting where everyone decided to plan their next nap instead..
• Headline: GREEK GROUP OPENS CONVENTION TODAY; Church Dedicated in Columbus, Ohio, Preliminary to American Hellenic Sessions.. Impact: The Greek group's convention paved the way for a renewed interest in Greek culture in America, ultimately leading to the invention of the 'Greek salad' – a culinary masterpiece that no one can agree on.. Fact: Archbishop Athenagoras once tried to start a reality show called 'Survivor: Church Edition,' but the idea was deemed too holy..
• Headline: What of the General Welfare?. Impact: The question of the General Welfare sparked a philosophical debate that would echo through time, eventually inspiring memes about 'living your best life' – proving yet again that existential crises can be humorous.. Fact: The phrase 'What of the General Welfare?' is often misquoted as the beginning of every awkward family dinner discussion..