AUGUST 13, 1934

Full News Archive

• Headline: AAA Battles Food Price Gouging. Impact: The fight against food gouging led to an underground network of food smugglers who started using secret maps to avoid the AAA. This eventually inspired the creation of modern-day treasure maps, which are now a hit among hipsters looking for organic avocados.. Fact: Fun fact: Droughts are nature's way of reminding us that maybe hoarding all the toilet paper isn't the best strategy for survival..
• Headline: Jersey Cruiser Stranded with Passengers. Impact: This incident sparked a new trend in maritime safety, prompting the invention of the inflatable life raft, which eventually led to the modern-day pool float. So, thank those poor souls for your next Instagram beach pic!. Fact: Did you know that cruising is just a fancy word for 'we're hoping the engine doesn't die on this floating hotel'?.
• Headline: Eulogy for Canada's Primate. Impact: Dr. S. H. Prince's eulogy inspired a generation of overly dramatic funeral speeches, leading to the rise of professional eulogists. Today, you can hire someone to make your life sound way more interesting than it actually was.. Fact: Eulogies have become so theatrical that some people have started calling them 'life highlight reels.' Just imagine if we did that for everyone—what a talent show that would be!.
• Headline: ENERGETIC FAITH IS URGED; Religion Like Luther's Is Needed Today, Rev. A.C. Lambert Says.. Impact: Rev. A.C. Lambert's call for energetic faith led to an unexpected spike in enthusiastic door-to-door religion salespeople, who ironically made many people lose faith in humanity instead.. Fact: Luther would probably be thrilled to see that his ideas have evolved into a multi-billion dollar industry called 'spiritual self-help.'.
• Headline: SILVER ACTION SENDS DOLLAR OFF IN BERLIN; But Financial Circles Doubt It Means Inflation or New Currency Devaluation.. Impact: The dollar's wobbly dance in Berlin led to a worldwide crisis of confidence. Financial analysts began using interpretive dance to explain market trends, which, surprisingly, confused everyone even more.. Fact: Did you know that currency devaluation is just a fancy term for 'we're all broke now'? It’s like a global game of Monopoly gone horribly wrong..
• Headline: OLD ORDER NOT ALL BAD.; As Viewed From Abroad, President is Making a Mistake.. Impact: The criticism of the president's approach led to a decline in public trust, which remarkably paved the way for the invention of meme culture. Today, we express our discontent through hilariously inappropriate GIFs.. Fact: Old orders are basically just outdated ideas that refuse to leave the party. It's like that one uncle who keeps telling the same bad joke at family gatherings..
• Headline: MUSIC NOTES.. Impact: The Berkshire Symphonic Festival's music notes somehow inspired a generation of wannabe composers who thought they could replicate Beethoven by simply slapping some random notes together. Spoiler: they couldn’t.. Fact: Music has been proven to enhance our mood. Or, you know, it just gives you an excuse to ignore your responsibilities for a few hours..
• Headline: New Hope Is Offered in Fight on Leukemia; Cause of the Disease in Chickens Is Traced. Impact: The discovery of leukemia's cause in chickens led to a poultry revolution, where chickens became the poster birds for medical research. They were so popular that they started charging for selfies.. Fact: A chicken's worth is often measured in nuggets, but now thanks to this discovery, they might just have a shot at becoming the next medical marvel..
• Headline: GERMAN STEEL TRUST REPORTS ON HOLDINGS; Reorganized Corporation Puts Its Total Assets at 1,740,000,000 Marks.. Impact: The German Steel Trust's report on its holdings sparked a chain reaction of corporate transparency, leading to the creation of the 'You Won't Believe What They’re Hiding!' clickbait articles we all love to hate today.. Fact: The reorganization of corporations is just code for 'let's change the name so no one remembers our last blunder.' It's like getting a new haircut after a breakup..