AUGUST 3, 1934

Full News Archive

• Headline: Mortgage Relief Plan Proposal in 1934. Impact: If only the mortgage relief plan had been approved, we might have avoided the next housing crisis. Instead, a chain reaction led to people buying houses they couldn't afford, which ultimately resulted in reality TV shows about flipping houses. Thanks, committee!. Fact: In the world of politics, 'majority' often means 'a handful of people who really don't want to deal with any actual solutions.'.
• Headline: Tragic Drowning Incident in Park Lake. Impact: This tragic event led to increased safety regulations around swimming areas, which ultimately resulted in inflatable pool toys and the birth of the summer BBQ. So, thanks to that fateful dive, we now have more fun in the sun—while still remembering to be careful.. Fact: Diving in the dark? Definitely not a recommended activity unless you're trying to audition for the next horror movie..
• Headline: 4 SHOT IN HAVANA RIOT.; Street Railway Workers Battle in Union Dispute Over Jobs.. Impact: The riot in Havana sparked a series of labor movements across the globe, leading to unions fighting for workers' rights. So, let's just say it laid the groundwork for a future where people actually get coffee breaks. Yay for progress!. Fact: Street railway workers battling over jobs is just a fancy way of saying, 'Everyone wants to be the one who gets to drive the cool train.'.
• Headline: CHICAGO WILL VIEW 'PAGEANT OF CELT'; Irish Research Societies Are to Aid in Presentation by a Cast of 3,000.. Impact: The 'Pageant of Celt' was a massive production that showcased Irish culture, inspiring countless future festivals and parades. Who knew a gathering of 3,000 would lead to us wearing ridiculous costumes and getting drunk on whiskey every St. Patrick's Day?. Fact: 3,000 people in one cast? Clearly, they were auditioning for the Guinness World Record of 'Most Overcrowded Pageant.'.
• Headline: Woman Dies in Plunge.. Impact: This unfortunate plunge led to stricter safety regulations on rooftops, ultimately resulting in the invention of the safety harness. You're welcome, daredevils of the world!. Fact: Falling from rooftops has been a classic way to emphasize the dangers of urban living—just ask any superhero's origin story..
• Headline: BUSINESS TAX LOSS OFFSET IN BUDGET; Balance Is Maintained by Added Revenues Elsewhere and Lower Interest Cost.. Impact: The business tax loss spurred a wave of financial reforms that led to the modern budgeting fiascos we see today. Thanks to this budgetary balancing act, we now have accountants who wear glasses and look very serious.. Fact: Evasion blamed for small return? Just another way to say, 'Hey, we know you're hiding money, but we can't prove it, so let's just shake hands and pretend everything's fine.'.
• Headline: LOCALLY DRESSED MEATS.. Impact: Local meat prices fluctuating led to the rise of farmers' markets, which eventually became hipster havens filled with overpriced organic kale and artisan cheeses. Thanks for that, meat prices!. Fact: Locally dressed meats? Sounds like a fashion show for cows—'And now, our model in the beef category, strutting down the runway in a fabulous t-bone!'.
• Headline: SEE HIGH FOOD COST AS DROUGHT RESULT; Governor Landon and Senator Capper Say Whole Nation Will Pay for Lost Crops. BELIEVE BAIN WILL YET AID Kansans Agree Effects Will Last Years Unless Livestock Breeders Can Be Saved.. Impact: The predictions of drought impacts on food costs led to the eventual rise of sustainable farming practices. So, the next time you enjoy a locally sourced salad, thank this grim forecast for the fresh veggies.. Fact: When politicians start talking about drought, you know things are serious. They might as well be waving a white flag while asking for a rain dance..