JULY 24, 1934

Full News Archive

• Headline: Osteopathic Insights on Germ Immunity. Impact: Dr. Wilson’s proclamation sparked a generation of germophobes who would later refuse to touch anything that did not come pre-packaged in a sterile bubble. This would lead to the invention of the 'germ-free handshake'—a fad that took off in 2023, resulting in a record low of social interactions.. Fact: Did you know that this is the same era when people believed that bathing was optional? Germs were probably shaking their heads in disbelief..
• Headline: Pilot's Knee Blamed for 1934 Crash. Impact: This unfortunate event led to the immediate introduction of 'Knee Guards' for pilots, which eventually escalated to the bizarre trend of wearing knee pads on all flights, even for non-pilots. The fashion industry still has not recovered.. Fact: Fun fact: The pilot's knee was later awarded a medal for bravery for its heroic role in causing the crash. Talk about a knee-jerk reaction!.
• Headline: GERMAN SHIP GROUNDS WITH 1,480 ON BOARD; Monte Rosa Strikes Reef Off Faeroes -- Vessel Is Not in Immediate Danger.. Impact: The grounding of the Monte Rosa led to a newfound respect for GPS technology, which in turn prompted the invention of the 'smart ship'—a vessel that could drive itself but still managed to run aground due to an existential crisis.. Fact: It's comforting to know that even ships can experience a midlife crisis. Who knew a vessel could get stuck in a rut?.
• Headline: Heads Canadian Mayors.. Impact: This election set off a chain reaction of mayoral meetings that eventually led to the Great Canadian Mayoral Summit, where they debated the pressing issue of whether maple syrup should be a national currency. Spoiler: it wasn't.. Fact: Fun fact: The only thing more exciting than a Canadian mayor's meeting is… well, nothing. But they sure know how to throw a pancake breakfast!.
• Headline: Cousin of Andrew Mellon, Found in Poverty In Pittsburgh, Refuses Offer of Comforts. Impact: His refusal to accept aid sparked a movement among the wealthy elite to 'do it on their own', which resulted in a whole generation of rich kids trying to 'live like the common folk'—a reality show that never made it past pilot season.. Fact: This incident also led to the creation of the phrase 'money can't buy happiness'—a phrase often uttered by those who have never actually tried..
• Headline: BERLIN USES MAIL TO WIN ARGENTINES; German Factories' Advertising Reaches Buenos Aires on Ship Bearing Mission. PUBLICITY HELPS DRIVE Newspapers Are Cool to Berlin's Campaign, Stressing Difficulties in Way of Commerce.. Impact: The advertising campaign resulted in an unexpected rise in Argentine enthusiasm for German products, which eventually led to the introduction of sauerkraut empanadas—much to the confusion of culinary historians everywhere.. Fact: Who knew that a few ads could lead to the culinary equivalent of a bad mixtape? Just imagine the taste testing sessions—'Is this German or just awful?'.
• Headline: MISS MARGOT BELL BECOMES ENGAGED; Daughter of Ex-Army Officer Will Be Wed to Carlyle E. Maw in September. FIANCE AN ATTORNEY HERE ' Bride-to-Be, Whose Father Is a Century of Progress Official, Attended Schools in France.. Impact: The engagement of Miss Bell sparked a wave of romantic expectations, leading to an unexpected spike in the sales of engagement rings—many of which were unfortunately shaped like military badges.. Fact: Engagements in the 1920s were like social media today: everyone knew your business before you even made the announcement. #Engaged.
• Headline: Urges Delay on Frisco Plan.. Impact: This delay became a running joke among city planners, who began to treat deadlines like suggestions. This laid the groundwork for future projects to take decades longer than anticipated—thanks, procrastination!. Fact: In the world of urban planning, 'delay' is just another word for 'we're still figuring out what color to paint the benches'..
• Headline: Gerard Supports Mahoney.. Impact: This political backing led to a series of questionable decisions that resulted in the infamous 'Mahoney Tax', which was so unpopular it became a case study in how not to win an election. Thanks, Gerard!. Fact: The only thing more predictable than political endorsements is the fallout from them. Spoiler: it usually involves a lot of backpedaling..