JULY 13, 1934

Full News Archive

• Headline: Agnew Elected Grand Master of Templar. Impact: Agnew's ascension to the Knights Templar caused a chain reaction of conspiracy theories, leading to the birth of modern-day secret societies that meet in basements and argue over pizza toppings.. Fact: Did you know the Knights Templar were once incredibly wealthy? Now they mostly just have bad PR and a lot of internet memes..
• Headline: Auto for Land and Water Built by Soviet; Will Carry 25 Passengers in Soft Chairs. Impact: This revolutionary vehicle inspired a future where 'carpooling' became a competitive sport, leading to the rise of the '25-passenger challenge' on social media.. Fact: The Soviets built some of the quirkiest vehicles. I mean, who needs a boat when you can just drive your car into the ocean, right?.
• Headline: St. Paul Strike Rejected.. Impact: The rejection of the strike led to years of underappreciated truck drivers who would later band together to form a popular reality show about their lives called 'Haulin’ in the Shadows.'. Fact: Strikes can often lead to change, but sometimes they just lead to a lot of frustrated workers and sad sandwiches left in break rooms..
• Headline: Music Publishers Seek A Code for lndustry. Impact: The proposal for a music publishing code eventually led to a series of legal battles that were more dramatic than any pop song's breakup lyrics.. Fact: If music publishers had a dollar for every time they tried to create a code, they might finally be able to figure out how to pay their artists fairly!.
• Headline: FRENCHMAN IMPUGNS EINSTEIN RELATIVITY; Prof. Emmanuel Carvallo Says Tests Show Basis of the Theory to Be False.. Impact: Carvallo's challenge to Einstein sparked debates that echoed through academic corridors, ultimately inspiring a generation of students to argue about physics and still not understand it.. Fact: Einstein once said, 'Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.' Guess Carvallo was just trying to change the channel!.
• Headline: TRUST'S ASSET VALUE OFF.; Spencer Trask Fund Reports $15.48 a Share on June 27.. Impact: The drop in asset value triggered a series of panic attacks among investors, leading to the creation of stress balls and yoga classes specifically for hedge fund managers.. Fact: Asset values can fluctuate more than a toddler on a sugar high. So, stock market crashes are basically just adult tantrums..
• Headline: MOVIE UNION TAKES CHARGE OF LOCAL; Parent Group Steps In to Run Affairs of Organization Now Under Inquiry.. Impact: This takeover initiated a series of bureaucratic meetings that would eventually lead to a documentary about the struggles of union leadership—titled 'The Real Drama Behind the Drama.'. Fact: Unions and movies go together like popcorn and butter, but sometimes they cause more drama off-screen than on-screen!.
• Headline: Dorothy Mackaill Returns.. Impact: Mackaill's return marked the beginning of a new trend of celebrities taking extended vacations, leading to the popularization of 'social media detox'—or as I like to call it, 'hiding from reality.'. Fact: Dorothy Mackaill was a star of the silent film era, which means she had to rely on her looks to convey emotions—no pressure, right?.