JULY 12, 1934

Full News Archive

• Headline: Nanking's Struggles in Sinkiang Crisis. Impact: The inability of Nanking to assist Sinkiang sparked a series of diplomatic misunderstandings, leading to an international game of telephone that made every country involved believe they were the secret puppet masters of China. Spoiler alert: they weren't.. Fact: Did you know that 'Sinkiang' means 'new frontier'? So, naturally, it was just waiting for someone to come along and mess it all up..
• Headline: Mt. Vernon Relief Scandal Uncovered. Impact: The scandal of the Mount Vernon relief fund led to widespread public distrust in government aid, which eventually spiraled into the belief that all politicians are secretly pocketing funds while sipping piña coladas on a beach somewhere.. Fact: Fun fact: This was probably the first documented case of 'double dipping' before it became a popular snack at parties!.
• Headline: Cincinnati's Innovative Traffic Control System. Impact: Cincinnati's traffic ruling innovation inspired a generation of overly enthusiastic city planners, eventually leading to the invention of the traffic cone, which has since become a beloved symbol of construction sites everywhere.. Fact: Did you know that the first traffic cone was just a repurposed witch's hat? Truly magical traffic management!.
• Headline: Miss Nancy Sorley Betrothed.. Impact: Nancy Sorley's engagement sparked a wave of matrimonial expectations that eventually led to people obsessively comparing engagement rings on social media, thus ruining every romantic moment for generations to come.. Fact: Did you know that 'betrothed' used to mean 'I promise to tolerate your quirks for a lifetime'? How romantic!.
• Headline: John S. Collier Weds.. Impact: John S. Collier's wedding was so riveting that it inspired a whole genre of wedding-themed reality TV shows centuries later, proving that people will watch just about anything if it involves cake.. Fact: Did you know that the average wedding guest spends more time contemplating the food than the couple? Priorities, am I right?.
• Headline: STATUE WORK STILL WAITS; Labor Row Blocking Restoration of Fountain at 5th Av. and 58th St.. Impact: The labor dispute over the statue restoration became the catalyst for countless statues being left unattended, which eventually led to the rise of urban legends about haunted statues coming to life at night. Thanks, labor row!. Fact: Fun fact: If statues could talk, they’d have a lot to complain about too—especially about how no one ever bothers to clean them!.
• Headline: AAA VS. NRA.. Impact: The AAA vs. NRA battle over prices became the foundation for what we now know as incessant online arguments, leading to countless hours of wasted time and the creation of memes that mock both sides.. Fact: Did you know that 'AAA' stands for 'Always Arguing About'? Because that's what we do best!.
• Headline: MEXICAN BEAN BEETLE BECOMES STATE PEST; Long Island Growers Suffer Losses as Well as Those of Other Areas.. Impact: The declaration of the Mexican bean beetle as a state pest led to a nationwide obsession with pest control that ultimately resulted in the invention of more pesticides than actual beans grown. Who knew beans could be so troublesome?. Fact: Fun fact: The Mexican bean beetle's motto is 'why be a pest when you can be a national headline?'.
• Headline: Killer Wolf in the Berkshires.. Impact: The killer wolf in the Berkshires became the stuff of local legend, inspiring countless horror movies that featured wolves as misunderstood creatures just trying to survive and get some rabbit for dinner.. Fact: Did you know that wolves are more afraid of humans than we are of them? But you wouldn't know that from watching the movies!.