JUNE 20, 1934

Full News Archive

• Headline: Plagiarism Suit Dismissed Against Hagan. Impact: Had Child succeeded, Hollywood might have implemented a 'Plagiarism Prevention Day' where writers would be forced to write original content under the threat of public embarrassment. Who knows? We could have been spared a few cringe-worthy reboots.. Fact: Plagiarism lawsuits are like bad sequels: nobody really wants them, and yet they keep popping up!.
• Headline: Thayer Found Guilty of Misconduct. Impact: Thayer's conviction opened the floodgates for a generation of lawmakers to get caught and guilty, leading to an annual 'Misconduct Awards' ceremony that the public dutifully ignores.. Fact: In politics, the only thing more certain than scandal is the fact that someone will try to blame it on the weather..
• Headline: Farley to Maintain Leadership Role. Impact: Farley's dual leadership set a precedent for future politicians to juggle multiple roles, creating a whole new breed of multitasking politicians, who now spend more time tweeting than actually governing.. Fact: In politics, 'patronage' is just a fancy way of saying 'I scratch your back, you scratch mine.' It's the original bipartisan agreement!.
• Headline: EDITOR'S PROBLEMS DISTURB CONVOY; Federal Attorney, Writing in His Office Publication, Comments on the News. LIKES TO OBLIGE, BUT -- Says He Is Friendly to Press, but He Is Not Tied to 'Wheels of Newspaper Chariot.'. Impact: This incident likely led to the gradual decline of the phrase 'friendly to the press,' which is now only used in sarcastic tones at cocktail parties.. Fact: The phrase 'not tied to the wheels of newspaper chariot' is actually a secret code in journalism for 'I have a lot of deadlines to ignore.'.
• Headline: HINDENBURG BACKS PAPEN IN NAZI CABINET DISPUTE; MOVE FOR MONARCHY SEEN; PRESIDENT PRAISES TALK Wire to 'Best Comrade' Intensifies the Fight for Moderation. HITLER ENDORSES VIEWS But Regrets They Were Voiced in Public and Apparently Approves Ban on Them. PLEA FOR MONARCH MADE Observers Hold This Part of Address Reveals Final Aim of Drive Now Opening. HINDENBURG BACKS PAPEN IN DISPUTE. Impact: Hindenburg's backing of Papen may have inadvertently paved the way for Hitler's rise, proving that sometimes the wrong endorsements can lead to a world war. Talk about a bad Yelp review!. Fact: Hindenburg's support for Papen was like giving your friend the keys to the car after they've already crashed it twice. Spoiler: it didn't end well..
• Headline: Relief Graft Jury Disagrees.. Impact: The jury's disagreement led to a series of mistrials that ultimately inspired a popular TV show about courtroom drama, proving that sometimes the real crime is wasting our time.. Fact: In legal circles, 'disagreement' is just a polite way of saying 'we all have different ideas on how to waste taxpayer dollars.'.
• Headline: PRINCETON CLASS HEARS 2 SPEECHES; They Are the Only Addresses at Commencement and Both Are by New Graduates. SALUTATORY IS IN LATIN Delivered by F.L. Van Dusen -- The Valedictory Is Given by J, B. Oakes.. Impact: The use of Latin in speeches sparked a renaissance of pretentiousness in education, where students believed using dead languages made their ideas sound more important than they actually were.. Fact: If you ever feel underqualified, just remember: at Princeton, they hand out degrees for speaking Latin—so maybe there's hope for us all!.
• Headline: NEWS WRITER DIES AT YALE REUNION; Robert R. Arnold, Albany Political Expert, Killed by Fall From Window. SERVED IN THE WORLD WAR Left College to Be Ensign in the Navy -- Was Son of Knickerbocker Press Publisher.. Impact: Arnold's untimely death became a cautionary tale for future generations about the perils of post-college reunions, leading to an annual memo advising attendees to stay away from windows.. Fact: Yale reunions are notorious for creating awkward conversations. It's a wonder more people don't fall out of windows!.
• Headline: THEATRE COLLEAGUES ATTEND SKELLY RITES; After a Funeral Service Here Body of Actor Is Sent to Iowa for Burial.. Impact: Skelly's funeral highlighted the importance of actor camaraderie, leading to the establishment of a 'no bad reviews' policy among theatre folks—too bad nobody told the critics.. Fact: In the theatre world, attending a colleague's funeral is just as important as attending their opening night. You know, priorities!.