JUNE 13, 1934

Full News Archive

• Headline: San Juan Bombing Sparks Community Response. Impact: The chaos of the San Juan bombing led to the formation of a secret society of bomb defusers who, unbeknownst to history, later became the founding members of a competitive hot air ballooning league. Because why not?. Fact: Did you know that bombings can really mess up your day? It's a real downer for all involved, especially with the added drama of arrests and public pleas..
• Headline: Senate Judiciary Committee Requests Recall. Impact: The Senate's insistence on deferring action led to an unforeseen chain reaction that resulted in a nationwide trend of procrastination. The phrase 'I'll do it tomorrow' became the motto of a generation.. Fact: Fun fact: In politics, asking for a recall is just code for 'Let's waste more time and money!' Truly a noble pursuit..
• Headline: Princeton Official Resigns in 1934. Impact: This resignation sparked a series of events that eventually led to the founding of a rival university in a garage that claimed to offer an 'elite education' featuring courses like 'How to Actually Quit Your Job'.. Fact: It's not every day an official quits. I mean, who doesn't dream of leaving their job to join an organization nobody's heard of?.
• Headline: JAPANESE WARNING IS SENT TO NANKING; Tokyo Voices Belief Missing Consul Met Violence and Holds China Responsible.. Impact: This warning escalated tensions and inadvertently inspired a group of artists to create what would later be known as 'The Most Awkward Diplomatic Art Exhibit' featuring paintings of consuls in distress.. Fact: In the world of diplomacy, a warning can sometimes be a precursor to all-out chaos. Just a friendly heads-up!.
• Headline: AMES WILL RETIRE AT JOHNS HOPKINS; President Plans to Give Up Post in 1935 After 51 Years With the University. CONFERS DEGREES ON 469 Deplores Tendency to Seek Aid of Government -- Dewey Is to Be Visiting Lecturer.. Impact: Ames' retirement led to a wave of students believing they could do anything if they just stayed in school long enough. This delusion eventually fueled a rise in people thinking they could become TikTok influencers.. Fact: 51 years in one position? That's longer than most people stay married! Talk about commitment!.
• Headline: MISS GIBBONS WED TO PROF. A. T, IASON; Home Ceremony at Princeton Performed by Father of the Bride, Dr. H. A. Gibbons, SISTER IS MAID OF HONORI Two Noted Colonial Families Are United -- Madrigal Composer an AncestoF of Bride.. Impact: This matrimonial union set off a centuries-long debate about whether madrigal composers made better husbands than mathematicians, leading to a renaissance of romantic musical numbers.. Fact: Two colonial families united in matrimony? Sounds like the start of a soap opera no one asked for!.
• Headline: TO CODIFY RELIEF PLANS.; Mayor's Assistant Begins Study of Financing Proposals Today.. Impact: The codification of relief plans inspired a whole new genre of self-help books titled 'How to Help Yourself While Helpless', which surprisingly became the top-selling series among politicians.. Fact: Studying financing proposals is just a fancy way of saying, 'Let's discuss how to throw money at problems without actually solving them.'.
• Headline: 12 FLOORS RENTED FOR CITY BUREAUS; All Relief Offices Will Be in Building at Broadway and 21st St. Next Month. COST IS $72,000 A YEAR Lease for Two and a Half Years Signed -- Officials Pleased by Bargain Rate Obtained.. Impact: The decision to rent 12 floors led to an unforeseen real estate boom in the area, inspiring a new game show called 'Who Wants to Rent a Bureaucracy?'. Fact: Renting 12 floors for bureaucratic purposes? Sounds like a great way to ensure nobody gets anything done efficiently!.
• Headline: Nanking Seeks Cooperation.. Impact: Nanking's plea for cooperation set off a cosmic chain reaction that eventually led to the invention of the buddy cop movie genre. Because nothing says cooperation like two people who can’t stand each other but have to work together.. Fact: When a city seeks cooperation, it’s like a cry for help that no one is really ready to answer. How charming!.