MAY 31, 1934

Full News Archive

• Headline: Dr. Burgess Elected President of Synod. Impact: Had Dr. Trexler won, it’s believed that the Lutheran church would have adopted a new policy of only serving pretzel rolls during communion, leading to a nationwide shortage and a rise in underground bread-baking clubs.. Fact: Did you know that 'dark horse' in politics refers to a candidate who unexpectedly wins? It's not just a horse that forgot its sunglasses at the racetrack..
• Headline: Admiral Togo's Funeral and Shrine Plans. Impact: Admiral Togo's legacy inspired a whole generation of naval enthusiasts who believed that building miniature ships in bottles could one day lead them to naval glory. Spoiler alert: it didn’t.. Fact: Admiral Togo is often credited with modernizing the Japanese navy, proving that even in the early 20th century, being ahead of your time was a full-time job..
• Headline: Clarifying Goering's Speech on Police. Impact: Had the correction not been made, the misunderstanding could have led to a fashion trend of military uniforms for police officers worldwide, resulting in a very confusing Halloween for the next decade.. Fact: The corrections made by newspapers often reflect the times, much like how we correct our friends’ grammar on social media — nobody asked for it, but here we are..
• Headline: PANAMA TO SEEK TREATY.; President Says United States Has Shown New Spirit of Justice.. Impact: If this treaty had gone through as planned, it could have sparked a global trend of diplomatic relations being negotiated over ice cream flavors, bringing a sweet end to international tensions.. Fact: Panama has a history of treaty negotiations so intense that they could rival a season finale of a reality show — complete with plot twists and dramatic music..
• Headline: In Washington; Logan's Courage on Tariff Arouses Wide Interest.. Impact: Logan’s courage inspired future politicians to take bold stances on tariffs, mostly because they wanted to sound impressive at cocktail parties without actually knowing what they were talking about.. Fact: Tariffs are like the taxes on snacks; it's all fun and games until someone mentions the price of chips at a party..
• Headline: House Nazi Hearings Are Set.. Impact: These hearings set a precedent for future congressional hearings, where the usual suspects would wriggle in their seats and sweat under the spotlight, leading to the creation of the 'political sweat' cologne line.. Fact: Public hearings often make people feel like they’re in a reality show where everyone tries to outshine each other with their ‘shocking’ revelations..
• Headline: JOIN IN MOSQUITO FIGHT.; Sanitation, Park and Health Departments Seek to Rout Pests.. Impact: This mosquito fight led to an increase in mosquito repellent sales, which eventually caused a thriving black market for 'natural' repellents, including essential oils and grandma's secret recipes.. Fact: Mosquitoes have been around for millions of years, but apparently, they didn’t get the memo that we humans would prefer not to be their buffet..
• Headline: PRINCESS MDIVANI IN NURSING HOME; London Paper Hears She Has Been Overdoing Diet in Order to Keep Her Figure.. Impact: Her dietary struggles led to an unexpected boom in the 'thin is in' trend, eventually causing a wave of fad diets that would haunt humanity for decades, like the ghost of bad decisions.. Fact: Princess Mdivani’s struggles remind us that even royalty can have issues with their diets — because having a crown doesn’t come with a personal chef who makes all the right choices..
• Headline: EXERCISES AT MARYMOUNT; Cardinal Hayes to Preside at Commencement Today,. Impact: Cardinal Hayes presiding over the exercises led to a tradition of overly long graduation speeches that students still endure today, eternally wishing they had a fast-forward button.. Fact: Commencement exercises are the only time in life where you can pay thousands of dollars to sit in uncomfortable chairs and listen to someone remind you of everything you did wrong during your college years..