MAY 25, 1934

Full News Archive

• Headline: Dr. Covert Elected Moderator in 1934. Impact: Dr. Covert's election sparked a need for more pastors to be 'pastors to pastors,' leading to the creation of a new job title: Pastorception. Eventually, this led to a nationwide shortage of actual pastors, as everyone just wanted to be a pastor to a pastor. Fact: Did you know Dr. Covert was once voted 'Most Likely to Create a Pastor Support Group' in his seminary? Clearly, he has a knack for leadership.
• Headline: Archduke Eugene's Historic Return to Vienna. Impact: Archduke Eugene's return set off a chain reaction of royal returns. By 2025, there was a whole trend of exiled royals trying to reclaim their thrones, only to find they were now leading Instagram influencer lives instead of kingdoms. Fact: Fun fact: Exiled royals have a surprisingly good track record of becoming reality TV stars. Who knew royalty could be so relatable?.
• Headline: Duke de Broglie Joins French Academy. Impact: Duke de Broglie's election to the French Academy led to a series of increasingly absurd debates over who qualifies as a 'Duke.' By 2050, there were more Dukes than actual people in France. Fact: Dukes in France still take their titles very seriously. In fact, Duke de Broglie once argued that only those who can recite the entire menu of a Michelin-starred restaurant should be allowed to keep their title.
• Headline: CANADIAN GAINS CITED.; Bank of Montreal Points to Rise in External Trade in April.. Impact: The rise in external trade was the butterfly flapping its wings that eventually led to Canada becoming the world's go-to for maple syrup and polite apologies, changing breakfast menus globally. Fact: Did you know the Bank of Montreal was once a contestant on 'The Amazing Race'? They won by trading in syrup for directions.
• Headline: London Plans Radio Cars To Combat Crime Wave. Impact: London's decision to implement radio cars to combat crime was the genesis of modern police technology, which later inspired reality TV shows about crime-fighting cats with their own radio cars. Fact: The first radio cars were actually just regular cars with a radio playing 'Bad Boys' on repeat. Crime rates dropped because no one wanted to be caught in that jam.
• Headline: REMINGTON BRONZE SOLD.; ' The Bronco Buster' Brings $600 -- Other Sculpture Auctioned.. Impact: The sale of 'The Bronco Buster' ignited a new art movement, where bronze sculptures of cowboys became the symbol of the American dream, leading to an odd trend of bronzed people posing in cowboy hats for selfies. Fact: Interestingly, the buyer of 'The Bronco Buster' immediately tried to ride it. Spoiler alert: it did not go well.
• Headline: Heads Port Chester Schools.. Impact: The appointment of a new superintendent in Port Chester Schools caused a ripple effect of administrative changes, eventually resulting in a full-scale educational revolution, where students learned more from TikTok than textbooks. Fact: The new superintendent once wrote a best-selling book titled 'How to Survive School Board Meetings: A Guide for the Brave.'.
• Headline: BOOKS OF THE TIMES. Impact: Ilya Ehrenbourg's book 'Out of Chaos' inspired countless authors to write books that promised to solve the chaos of life, leading to a literary movement where every book was titled 'Out of Something.'. Fact: Ehrenbourg's favorite chaos theory was that if you throw enough ideas into a pot, one will eventually boil over and become a bestseller.
• Headline: ENTER RACE TO AUSTRALIA.; Four Planes, Including One From U.S., Are Added to List.. Impact: The entry of four planes into the Australia race sparked a global aviation competition that led to the invention of in-flight yoga classes, because apparently, flying wasn't stressful enough. Fact: The first plane to enter the race was actually just a glorified paper airplane. It still holds the record for most creative entry.
• Headline: BRAND WHITLOGK, DIPLOMAT, IS DEAD; War-Time Minister to Belgium Succumbs in Cannes After Second Operation. GAINED REPUTE AS AUTHOR i After Four Terms as Mayor of' Toledo, Won World Fame by Humanitarian Servlce,. Impact: Brand Whitlock's death caused a nationwide moment of silence, which ironically led to an explosion of loud protests demanding more silence in politics, a movement that never really took off. Fact: Whitlock's humanitarian efforts were so impactful that some believe he may have single-handedly inspired the creation of 'The Good Place' as a reward for his services.