MAY 19, 1934

Full News Archive

• Headline: Manhattan Dominates Upsala in 16-0 Victory. Impact: The crushing defeat suffered by Upsala led to an existential crisis for their players. In the decades that followed, their descendants would start a support group for underperforming teams, inadvertently leading to the rise of the 'Everyone Gets a Trophy' culture. Thanks, Manhattan.. Fact: After this game, the phrase 'getting routed' became a favorite among sports commentators, inspiring countless puns about routes and routing..
• Headline: Robert Hobbie Marries E.F. Pitkin. Impact: Little did they know, this union would lead to a series of social gatherings where awkward small talk about the weather would become a staple of American culture. The couple's descendants would eventually host a podcast about the weather, which would make them famous.. Fact: This wedding was so grand that the cake alone had a higher guest count than some modern-day weddings..
• Headline: League Jurists Find Way To Make Embargo Legal. Impact: The legal loophole found by the League jurists would pave the way for future lawmakers to interpret laws so creatively that it inspired a new genre of legal thrillers. Lawyers would eventually begin to moonlight as suspense novelists.. Fact: This legal maneuver was so convoluted that even the lawyers involved had to take a crash course in interpretive dance to explain it..
• Headline: BROKER'S THROAT CUT.; R.M. Heffernan in Washington Hospital -- Recovery Likely.. Impact: The incident sparked a nationwide debate about personal safety and the effectiveness of hospital security systems, leading to the creation of the 'Throat Cutting Awareness Month'—a month dedicated to discussing throat safety, obviously.. Fact: R.M. Heffernan’s recovery was so impressive that it inspired a new superhero: Throat Man, who saves people from cuts but always forgets to bring band-aids..
• Headline: CRUSADERS OPEN DRIVE.; Membership Campaign Will Be Extended to Enlist Women.. Impact: This campaign kickstarted the trend of women in organizations, inadvertently leading to a future where women would break glass ceilings and cause men to start using hair gel—because they had to keep up.. Fact: The Crusaders' campaign was so effective that it inspired a sequel: 'Crusaders: The Return of the Women.' Spoiler alert: They come back stronger..
• Headline: MISS NAlqDER POEL BECOMES Elq(IA6ED; Member of a Noted Family Will Be Married to Horace Andrews Jr. of Cleveland.. Impact: This engagement would solidify the Vander Poel family name in Cleveland history, leading to a series of awkward family reunions and a decades-long debate about the merits of Cleveland-style chili.. Fact: The engagement announcement was so shocking that it made the front page of the local newspaper—twice, just to make sure nobody missed it..