MAY 17, 1934

Full News Archive

• Headline: Stahlhelm Leader Arrested in Germany. Impact: The arrest of Goernemann sent shockwaves through the Stahlhelm, causing a massive power vacuum that would lead to the rise of a new, even more eccentric veterans' group that insisted on wearing hats made of tin foil to ward off government conspiracies. Who knew a headpiece could become a political statement?. Fact: Despite its tough-sounding name, the Stahlhelm was less about armored helmets and more about making sure no veteran ever ran out of excuses for their questionable fashion choices..
• Headline: Touhy Gangsters Sentenced for Mail Truck Robbery. Impact: The tough sentences handed down to the Touhy gangsters inspired an entire generation of criminals to rethink their life choices and consider careers in accounting instead. Who knew jail time could be a great motivator for a career shift?. Fact: If only they had known that mail trucks were basically just moving safes on wheels, they might have stuck to robbing candy stores instead..
• Headline: OFFICIALS ABANDON PLAGUE-RIDDEN TOWN; Citizens Ask Army to Govern -- Argentina Rushes Serums and Medical Supplies.. Impact: Abandoning a plague-ridden town led to a new trend of 'vacationing' in abandoned places, paving the way for the future of horror movies and ghost tours. Thanks, Argentina, for kickstarting an entire genre of entertainment!. Fact: Many historians believe the phrase 'abandon ship' was first coined during this event, as citizens were more eager to flee than stick around for a plague party..
• Headline: Mussolini Sees Son, 17, Pass Final Flying Test. Impact: Mussolini's son passing his flying test gave rise to an entire generation of aspiring tyrants who thought they could just wing it in life—literally. Eventually, this led to the infamous 'Duce Air' flight school that offered courses in dictatorship and aerial acrobatics.. Fact: In a surprising twist, Mussolini's son later declared that flying was overrated and that he preferred train travel, sparking a new trend of fascists taking the scenic route..
• Headline: MODIFIED NEW DEAL URGED BY BANKERS; CRISIS IS HELD PAST; Recovery Aim Wins Praise at Session Here, but Fewer Extremes Are Asked. PARLOR PINKS' ASSAILED Savings Section Hears Young Call Them 'Insidious' Group -- Benson Fears Socialism. BANKERS WANT NEW DEAL EASED. Impact: The bankers' call for a modified New Deal inadvertently sparked a nationwide debate about the nature of 'new' and 'deal,' leading to the invention of the most boring game night ever: Monopoly with actual bankers.. Fact: The term 'parlor pinks' is often said to have originated here, inspired by bankers who were just too embarrassed to wear anything more colorful than beige..
• Headline: Arrested in Bakery Racket.. Impact: Ferraro's arrest in the bakery racket led to a citywide crackdown on baked goods, prompting a mysterious rise in underground muffin trafficking. Who knew pastries could be so criminal?. Fact: In a strange twist of fate, Ferraro became a folk hero among local bakers, leading to a movement that celebrated the art of extortion through baked goods..
• Headline: Soviet to Teach History and Geography In 'Bourgeois' Way Without Marxist Slant. Impact: The Soviet Union's decision to teach history in a 'bourgeois' manner led to an educational revolution that resulted in students believing that all history happened in black and white and had a Marxist slant—just for fun.. Fact: This shift in curriculum sparked a new trend in Soviet fashion: students dressing as historical figures, but only if those figures had a good Instagram filter..