MAY 16, 1934

Full News Archive

• Headline: Remarkable Walk at Age 95. Impact: Col. Luxmoore's daily 20-mile walks inspired a generation of fitness enthusiasts, leading to the invention of the 'ultra-marathon' and the inevitable rise of overpriced energy gels.. Fact: At 95, walking 20 miles daily is basically the same as a modern-day Ironman competitor, except with more 'back in my day' stories..
• Headline: The Engagement of L Lettieri. Impact: The engagement of L Lettieri set off a chain reaction of matchmaking events that somehow led to reality TV's obsession with 'Love at First Sight'—thanks a lot, L.. Fact: The history of engagements suggests that half of them end up in elaborate wedding fails, but hey, at least they had a good run!.
• Headline: CHEMISTS PRODUCE LOW TENSION HEAT; Synthetic Products for Use Beyond Range of Steam Described to Institute. MERCURY ALSO EMPLOYED Fear of Poisoning From It Held Groundless -- Prizes Awarded to College Students.. Impact: The development of low tension heat systems led to a revolution in home heating, which ultimately caused countless debates about whether to wear pants indoors.. Fact: Mercury in chemistry is like the bad boy of the periodic table—everyone knows it's dangerous, but some still want to play with it..
• Headline: REICH ARMY BALKS AT NAZI CONTROL; Rejects Inclusion of the Storm Troopers in Reserve After Short Service Is Effective.. Impact: The Reich Army's rejection of Nazi control set off a domino effect, leading to a series of misunderstandings that somehow resulted in the phrase 'not my circus, not my monkeys' becoming a thing.. Fact: Military politics have always been a hot mess; it's like watching a toddler try to play chess—confusing and sad..
• Headline: FUND WORKERS HONORED.; Heads of Junior Jewish Federation Receive Scrolls.. Impact: The honoring of Junior Jewish Federation leaders inspired a wave of nonprofit organizations, which eventually led to a reality competition show called 'Nonprofit Wars: Who Can Fundraise the Best?'. Fact: Honoring workers is like a participation trophy for adults—everyone gets one, but it still doesn't make them any better at their jobs..
• Headline: PRESIDENT'S MOTHER VISITS CHILD PATIENT; Girl, 3, in Hospital a Year With Rare Anemia, Is Hostess at Luncheon Tribute.. Impact: Mrs. Roosevelt's visit to a sick child inspired a slew of politicians to take hospital tours, leading to the creation of the 'Politician Hospital Tour' bingo card.. Fact: Nothing says 'I care' like a visit from a politician—just watch out for the camera crew lurking in the corner..
• Headline: Davis to Retain Kreuger Job.. Impact: Davis retaining his job despite disarmament efforts led to the phrase 'sticking to your guns' being adopted by politicians everywhere, albeit with an ironic twist.. Fact: In politics, 'retaining your job' usually means holding on until the next scandal breaks; it's like musical chairs but with fewer chairs and more backstabbing..
• Headline: PEACE ESSAY WINS PRIZE.; Gerard Hessels Gets Award in High School Contest.. Impact: Gerard Hessels winning a peace essay contest sparked a minor revolution in high school curricula, ultimately leading to the introduction of mandatory 'How to Write a Peaceful Email' classes.. Fact: Winning a peace essay contest is like being awarded the 'Best Participation' trophy in the game of life—good luck cashing that in!.
• Headline: NEW CITY TAXES AND LOANS.. Impact: The introduction of new city taxes and loans led to a series of awkward town hall meetings, where citizens learned that taxes are like bad relationships—necessary but painful.. Fact: City taxes are so popular they make your average Netflix subscription look like a bargain—at least you can binge-watch your misery..