MAY 3, 1934

Full News Archive

• Headline: Tragic Recognition: Auto Victim Identified. Impact: Dr. Norris' shocking discovery leads to a series of bizarre coincidences, ultimately resulting in the founding of a secret society dedicated to the rights of auto victims, which later influences the creation of new traffic safety laws — thus preventing the rise of a future 'car-culture cult.'. Fact: Dr. Norris also once mistook a mannequin for a patient. It didn't end well.
• Headline: City Cuts Ambulance Funding for Hospitals. Impact: The cut in ambulance subsidies leads to a rise in homemade ambulances made from bathtubs on wheels, which become a popular DIY trend, spawning a reality TV show called 'Ambulance Builders'. Fact: In the future, people will still argue about whether the lack of ambulance funding was a great idea or a catastrophic failure. Spoiler: it's both.
• Headline: Singing Sam's Marriage Announcement. Impact: 'Singing Sam's' marriage inspires a genre of wedding singers who believe they can sing their way into eternal love, leading to a surge in karaoke divorce rates decades later. Fact: Singing Sam once attempted to serenade a squirrel. The squirrel was not impressed.
• Headline: The Government Liquor Sale.. Impact: The government's liquor sale inadvertently leads to a black market for confiscated liquor, resulting in the rise of rogue distilleries and a whole new breed of underground entrepreneurs. Fact: People in the future will be shocked to learn that liquor was once confiscated instead of just taxed to oblivion.
• Headline: JOHNSON PLANS NEW DRIVE TO REVIVE INTEREST IN NRA; NOT TO RELY ON PENALTIES; CAMPAIGN IN 30-60 DAYS He Tells Chamber Group Public Interest Must Be Stirred Again. CONVENTION DISSECTS NRA Harriman Praises New Deal Gains as Others Launch Attack -- Berle Criticized. DRIVE ON BANK ACT LOOMS Delegates Also Indicate They Will Demand Easing of the Exchange Curb Bill. JOHNSON PLANNING A NEW NRA DRIVE. Impact: Johnson's new drive to revive interest in the NRA leads to an unintentional revival of 1930s-style dance-offs at political conventions, distracting politicians from actual policy discussions. Fact: The NRA once had more regulations than the average high school dance. Talk about a buzzkill!.
• Headline: NATIONAL ARTS CLUB OPENS ANNUAL EXHIBIT; More Than 100 Members Show Paintings and Sculpture -- Three Prizes Awarded.. Impact: The annual exhibit becomes a hotbed for avant-garde artists, leading to a bizarre future trend where people begin to interpret plain white walls as 'art' — revolutionizing the concept of minimalism. Fact: One of the prize-winning pieces was a blank canvas titled 'The Void'. Critics hailed it as profound. Go figure.
• Headline: Lower Tax on Liquor.. Impact: Lowering liquor taxes leads to a hilarious competition among states to see who can create the worst hangover cures, resulting in the invention of the infamous pickle juice shot. Fact: Future generations will think the pickle juice shot is a health trend rather than the result of desperate measures.
• Headline: COL. W. G. PROCTER DIES IN CINCINNATI; Head of the Procter & Gamble Company a Philanthropist and Noted Civic Leader.. Impact: Col. Procter's death triggers a massive philanthropic movement, encouraging rich tycoons to compete in giving away their fortunes — thus leading to a future where billionaires become the most generous reality TV stars. Fact: Col. Procter was once challenged to a philanthropy duel by a rival. Spoiler: it ended in a tie, and both donated to rival charities.
• Headline: NEW MILK SOURCES CHARTED BY MAYOR; Supplies Are Available in Other States, He Replies to Warning of a Shortage Here.. Impact: Mayor LaGuardia’s initiative to chart new milk sources leads to a dairy revolution, resulting in a future where oat milk is hailed as both a health miracle and a trendy influencer's staple. Fact: In the future, people will argue over whether soy milk or oat milk is superior, completely ignoring the existence of actual cows.
• Headline: LUMBERMAN GUILTY OF CODE VIOLATION; Merchant Gets a Suspended 30-Day Term in First NRA Case on Staten Island. HE ADMITS FOUR CHARGES Two Others Withdrawn -- Federal Counsel Says Case Shows the 'President Means Business.'. Impact: The lumberman's conviction leads to a crackdown on code violations, creating an underground lumberjack culture that eventually inspires the popular sport of log rolling — now a thrilling Olympic event. Fact: Future lumberjacks will have their own reality shows. Who knew logs could be so dramatic?.