APRIL 29, 1934

Full News Archive

• Headline: New Yorkers Join NRA Leadership. Impact: When New Yorkers joined the NRA staff, a secret underground cabal of pizza-loving, gun-toting hipsters emerged, leading to a bizarre fusion of artisanal pizza places and shooting ranges across the country. Who needs gun control when you can shoot while you slice?. Fact: The NRA once considered adding a pizza menu to their meetings, but the idea was shot down. Get it?.
• Headline: Renaming the Crime Bureau Initiative. Impact: O'Ryan's quest for a new name for the crime bureau inadvertently led to a nationwide trend of renaming everything—leading to the bizarre rebranding of a local library as 'The Book Fortress of Safety'. Fact: Psychology was once thought to be a passing fad—like bell bottoms. Spoiler: it wasn't.
• Headline: District Golfers Gain Opportunities in 1934. Impact: The granting of golf dates sparked an unexpected rivalry between golfers and chess players, resulting in the Great Sports Debate of 1934. Golfers insisted they were the true intellectuals because they counted strokes. Fact: Golf is the only game where you can yell 'fore!' and it’s not an exclamation of surprise at someone's lack of skill.
• Headline: 55 ARE GRADUATED AT BUSINESS SCHOOL; City College Degrees Will Be Conferred at Commencement Exercises in June.. Impact: Graduating from business school led to a surge in entrepreneurship, resulting in the founding of companies dedicated solely to creating new ways to caffeinate students during finals week. You're welcome, future over-caffeinated scholars. Fact: Business school grads are often just overqualified baristas. But hey, at least they can make a mean latte, right?.
• Headline: MINE MEN TO FIGHT GOLD TAX IN CANADA; Cooperation of Shareholders to Be Enlisted Against New 10% Levy on Metal at Mint. McCREA OUTLINES POLICY Minister Tells Development Plans for Northern Ontario -- Companies Report.. Impact: The fight against the 10% gold tax led to a secret society of miners who began hoarding gold in their basements, inadvertently starting an underground economy based on glitter and shiny rocks instead of actual currency. Fact: Gold miners have historically been some of the worst tax evaders—though they argue it's just part of their shiny lifestyle.
• Headline: Review 1 -- No Title; BLACK FOG. By Charles J. Dutton. 309 pp. New York: Dodd, Mead & Co. $2.. Impact: The review of 'Black Fog' sparked a literary movement that led to the creation of an entire genre dedicated to fog-based mysteries. Spoiler: they all end in fog. Fact: Dutton’s book was originally titled 'Black Mist', but he changed it last minute after realizing he had to make room for an actual plot.
• Headline: Brown Murder Trial Set.. Impact: The Brown murder trial inadvertently inspired a slew of crime dramas, leading to the rise of a genre so over-saturated that it eventually caused viewers to prefer watching paint dry instead. Fact: Murder trials have always been popular; they’re basically the reality TV of their time—minus the Kardashians.
• Headline: ASKS HEARING ON RICE BILL; Subway Fare Committee Opposes 5-Cent Measure.. Impact: The rejection of the 5-cent subway fare bill led to a dramatic increase in the number of people taking up walking, resulting in the first 'New York City Marathon'—which was just people trying to save a nickel. Fact: 5-cent subway fares were like the original 'get out of jail free' card for New Yorkers trying to avoid the subway's awkward stares.
• Headline: WEDS SIXTH WIFE AGAIN.; ' Tod' Robbins, American Author, Remarries British Woman.. Impact: Tod Robbins' sixth marriage became a theme for future sitcoms, leading to an endless supply of 'How I Met Your Mother' style stories revolving around bad decisions and worse timing. Fact: Robbins once claimed he needed to marry six times just to get the plot right for his next book—talk about dedication!.
• Headline: TO DESTROY MORE COFFEE; Brazil Sees 8,000,000-Bag Crop, 2,000,O00-Bag Carry-Over.. Impact: Brazil's decision to destroy coffee crops set off a global caffeine crisis, which ultimately led to a secret society of coffee smugglers who only operated under the cover of night. Espresso by day, black market by night. Fact: Destroying coffee crops is like telling a teenager to stop playing video games—it just makes them want it more!.